We could have had it all.

Impulsivity defined.

Don't sink back into old patterns.

You will regret it.

Madness ensues.

And as usual, my priorities get lost under theirs..

Them old days were the best.

Belonging longing.

London bound.

The end of the second.

Mid-week rush.

Warming bitter cold.

It's not a hurry that we're in.

The walls are caving in.

April Fools, I'm a fool.

I almost wish we were butterflies, and lived but three summer days.

Is this real? Is it true? Is it really you?

Sweet love of mine.

Wish me luck.

Exam tomorrow - i'll be glad when it's over with. If I don't know it by now I'll never know it.

The whole day was quite busy, I was in from nine to about around two. 246 was only an hour, but it's scary how we've got to fill forms in and decide on our project and all. I'm going to miss Kate Walker. In the hour break, I ended up not eating my wraps but stuffing my face with Doritos and Pia and I went to M&S to get a sandwich and pizza for me and then we headed to get something for her. On the way we talked about our family life, and then when we were sat outside the museum again, she started telling me about how crappy her family is as well and that her dad told her the other night that her mother wanted to abort her. Gahh. All of this I bet, is because she was originally thinking of going to see her mother for the first time in Sweden. I feel for her though, she's got it slightly worse off than me. Except she's found a good friend network, meh. She said she hasn't heard from Next yet, so if she has to, she may take her old job back. It was lovely to talk to her and sit in the sun, looking at the Sikh's trying to promote themselves. We had the last ever CRM workshop, and it was both sad and interesting. We watched this documentary on the Italian Mafia and state crime. I ended up asking Graham my question and in person, one to one, he's actually pretty alright. I still judge his earring choice though. Haha. The whole afternoon was spent revising here and there & then just relaxing and trying not to stress about my exam too much. Veronica Mars was sought and I watched the pilot. Everything is nostalgia, ahhh.

Repetitive.

Revision is the same old same old, can't wait to get the exam over with. I've found out we have to choose our options by the end of next week; what even?! Going to look up on the MID first, I reckon. Tomorrow is going to be the last long day of uni, and then that's it really. I hope people are there and it all goes nicely. Got a question for Graham about only being able to fit 4 main points in on our reflection analysis. Also, I was a bit (a lot) pissed off; it smelled of oven chips in the house an hour before I had my lunch. When I went down to put my chips/chicken dippers on there was no sign of my handful or so of chips in the freezer. Obviously the douchebag stole my food. So i've purposefully labelled everything and it's all mostly going to be hidden before I leave. Also, I'm about to have my period so my inner hormonal bitch kicked in for revenge; chucked his bread and a bit of cheesecake in the bin. Then, I went and ate a couple of slices of his swiss roll. Like fuck yeah (: Maybe do a little more damage tomorrow and then we're even. I can't believe he'd do that though, I actually thought he was alright. I've actually got my door locked since early this evening. No trust. Hate being alone in the house with him, although it's nice to have someone around.

Be thankful for everything, be present in everything.

I actually had quite a nice day today. Went to workshop with a little over 6 hours sleep and I was tired, but it was worth going through the revision stuffs and getting questions answered and understanding ANOVAs, finally! Just got to brush up more on regression and things should be good. I then proceeded to go to town with Pia, and it was nice really - we talked about her dad, who apparently wanted to talk to her about something serious; and how she was worried. And we got onto society and how we don't fit in wanting to go out and do drugs and all that jazz and it was really nice. We sat on the open benches near the museum and I stuffed my face with mini cheddars 'cause I didn't want to make a scene with my wraps. But anyway, CRM I was falling asleep almost and it was weird 'cause I know I'm going to miss it when it's over. I also realised it was the last of mine and Pia's hang outs because next week I doubt she'll turn up for everything. I just... kinda love that girl. I'm hoping to maybe meet up with her when the reception happens in Leicester, or if we go that way for a weekend or something.

When I got home (at around 3:30 because we finished early for once!) I stuffed my face with the wraps and then just sank into a slump wondering what to do about the email. It got me into all kinds of emotions and thoughts, but in the end I feel relieved I've sent that reply. Chris says it's honest and comes from the heart, so I hope I get a positive response. I discussed some reflection analysis stuff and I think i'm on my way to having a better handle on that. It's too warm, but it's also chilly. Weird. Oh yeah, can't believe Mike got killed off. What even.

Out of the blue.

An email from you, "Jerry Smith."

Blue skies prevail.

I had a weird day, got loads of revision done and started a lot earlier thankfully. Aurore left around 7 am in a taxi and I've been feeling her absence quite a bit - I guess she's a loud and apparent person. So mostly revision but I got up to 333 words in CRM coursework so it's something at least. I went out to get some milk, still mafting hot outside and I walked in the sun mostly of course. It was a lot of boring otherwise, watched CSI with dinner (pasta with pesto) and then The Lying Game with a Cadbury's Trifle and then BGT. I'm glad for it's return, and the million pound drop is also on again - lots to catch up on; but to focus on my exam prep and coursework first. Also Bright Star is going to be on to watch :) Mark and I have made up and it's all good. I thought he was messing me around like A used to. I miss A and R still though. He will be no substitute.

Last night I had a dream about A. I need to speak with him...

Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

That's basically the phrase of my life right now, everyone leaves and they hurt my heart, and scar it in so many ways and then I have to eventually accept that they're gone for good; escaped whilst they could. It's been mafting hot today though, I managed to get out and walk and it was lovely. Most of the day was spent just trying to do work and not actually getting any done. Saj and I spoke on fb and mentioned that we were both going to try and do 1000 words on the CRM coursework by Monday and see how we've got on Monday. She's probably done more than I have already. Saj actually cropped up in conversation with my mother today, she was like; doesn't anyone ever go out? I was like yeah, but you know.. without me. Nah, I said that Pia lives away and Saj is always around her family so. True stuffs.

Anyways, I actually highlighted and went through all my revision notes but tomorrow I am going to write most of them out again. I think I'm getting the hang of ANOVAs now, and what to look for and which things to check before and after - it's all very systematic really. However, I am still as yet to get to grips with the regression shizz. Hopefully i'll get there. Need to do masses of CRM, just plug in studies and whatnot and think about reflection later I reckon. Anyhow, other than that I listened to a lot of music and then it was almost dinner time (I started work around 3ish after coming back from the supermarket.) Got to watch Wed's 'enders and then The Hitchhicker's Guide to The Galaxy which was alright.

Oh yeah, I confirmed with Laura on my attendance to this poster conference. Eep.

Laredo.

It's been an amazing, sunshine and warm day. The fact I pretended I didn't have workshop in the morning gained me a lie-in (I'd done the work for it on my own on the previous night.) Went to 241 and it was on Intergroup behaviour and prejudice - Doug got us to do this interesting non-communication thing where we were lawyers trying to get the best possible sentence and it was pretty cool. I was smiling. He was also going on about thinking about work experience and applying to places soon :/ I heard Pia before the lecture started; always sat at the back on the other side, no doubt! Anyway, things are nice before Saj's friends turn up 10 or 20 mins late. It was nice to really get stuck in to issues with Saj about work and marking and stuff.

After 241, I went to check that the post box I'd sent my mum's card from was an actual post box. I found out that it was so my card should have got there by now! So I got onto the computers for a bit and sent Estee a message if she's going to the poster conference (as Pia is not) and she is at least going to be there. I know at least 5 others are going so.. Whew!

242 - good chance of seeing Tony Lawrence and imagining a Rich/Russell Brand mashup. Also, Pia was there and she told me that this week's workshop was not the thing I had done the night before; it was on content analysis so I basically need to look at that on my own now, in case it appears in the exam and the majority of people don't cover it. But anyhow, the door of the lecture theatre's glass was kicked in and I think Pia may have done it because she told me she got sacked from Pizza Hut. She was really raving mad about it, and said she'd encourage her boyfriend to smash up the person's car who let her go, and she said he wanted to beat him up. Apparently she was giving attitude (which i'm sure she's quite capable of) and so she's worried about her application with Next going down the drain because her ex boss may not give her a shining reference. But then Charlotte Venables chimed in (so nicely) and gave Pia some ideas of what she could do, as did I. I suggested reporting some of the illegal workers for one, she seemed to like that idea. haha. But yeah, shows i'm good at the whole adult thinking and stuffs.

When I got home, I ended up not doing much and felt bleh. Mark let me know he only needs space for a couple of days so I felt better about things and then other than feeling a bit lonely I just got on with dinner and all that. Watched 'enders and The Apprentices' new series. Was nice.

Confessions of a dangerous mind.

9am lecture was alright, went and collected my developmental poster afterwards and saw that i've been chosen to present mine at the poster conference next friday! I'm so elated and happy for the opportunity, but i'm also nervous about presenting and not being able to answer any questions. People from the local media (newspaper only, hopefully) are going to be there; some vice chancellor of the university and also other students and whatnot. They're picking the top 5 and the first prize is £50, the others just get certificates. I'm hoping (anxiously) that mine lands in the top 5, however my marker did criticise that there were theory slides which looked too busy, and grammatical errors also. It'll be good to put on my CV (and finally i'll have something after high school to put in.) 246PY was scary, talking about getting our supervisor forms in by the 25th May - obviously mine will have to be handed in by the 16th when I leave here. I have a feeling I may need to talk my ideas out with someone... When do I have the time though? :/

But anyway, I'm now clear on the assignment and things will slowly get done - once I have a firm idea in place! The rest of my time at home is just a blur and then I watched Parenthood and Confessions of a dangerous mind online. It sort of reminded me of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Kinda cool. Also, Mark stormed off acting like he was going to leave my life (because he wants me to be with him.. ugh) and so I was pretty sad/depressed.

The bad in each other.

It started out great, did loads of revision notes and got to grips (other than multiple regression) with it all. I sent emails to Ian and Graham, both of which I actually like now - Ian was like, "it's a no to both (thankfully) you don't need to know that for the exam." and Graham was like, "yes, you can use journal articles from anywhere in the world."

Anyhow, I can't get Feist outta my head and the good weather makes me just want to escape and live somewhere far, near the ocean and hide from the world. I kind of made an effort with people on facebook and it was nice to get some response :) Other than that, I went out for a walk after lunch in the warming sun (up to 15 degrees I believe!) and it was nice to be out for a little while. But in terms of my work - it basically became near non-existant. I was trying to find journal articles and some references to actual text when I just got so bogged down in it all that I didn't start writing my CRM. My initial goal was to write the first thousand words by the end of this weekend, but now I think I'm more focusing on getting my revision done. But I must persevere with trying to handle both otherwise a full three thousand words in one go is going to be way too stressful. I was also hoping to finish my TA notes by today, but that's the last thing left now..

So lately i've been monosyllabic with my parents, happened twice today with mum and once with dad. But they know i'm trying to get on with work though; and I'm glad he didn't bring up me calling my grandma! Mum apparently cancelled her April week off and now the whole of May is booked up, damn! She was also worryingly commenting how THEBITCH and her son are thinking of going away when he finishes school for a week, and saying how we/she may tag along. My stomach churns at the thought. Uhm, yeah. Watch 'enders come 9, then this Anti Social Networking programme with Richard Bacon and yeah, the internets is a scary place. But a great one too.

Damn, Africa, what happened?

I couldn't get my shit together at the start of the day, but now I'm feeling slightly better and getting on with things. I think I OD'd on chocolate a little so that may explain some. CRM was good, pretty much everyone was there & Graham was like "shall I just tell you what exactly I want from you in the assignment and make it easy?" and of course he was being sarcastic. I think it's finally clicked on how to do it effectively though. I didn't realise it until she called at 4:45 that my mother had another Monday off work. She'd been sorting out wedding stuffs mostly, and had completed the survey (which I've sent back to Aurore.) There's no way I knew she could think and answer like that though, it was wonderful to peer into her mind on some issues about life (single women.) Other than that, just been trying to attempt Gantt charts and failing, but I figure if I keep at something when I can't do the immediately impending things then at least I'll feel like I've done something and feel better for it.

Just watched a movie called Besieged with Thandie Newton & the ending was annoying, like, why would she dump her husband and sleep with another man on the eve of his return? Bit stupid. But it reminded me of the whole Kony campaign and everything. I don't condone the IC charity, but I do like the awareness that people can save and change the world. But anyway, on the subject of Africa; everyone was arguing on facebook that the exam's now been shifted to the 3rd to fall into the exam period and one person commented on how all the arguing reminded him of the scene in Mean Girls. Ahh, I ended up watching this video and it's the kind of documentaries I love. Eee :) Another two BBC films for me to watch before Sunday too, and I've realised that ITV2 are on par with where I'm at in GG.

I can't make me love you.

I predicted correctly that Ben left today, and soon Aurore will be gone. It's been a drag of a day, even though I got up at 10, after breakfast dad called and said I should speak with mum before she left to go see S getting her hair and makeup trial done this morning - so I was rushed into the obligatory wishing of Mother's Day call. That only lasted no more than 2 minutes and then I was lost for most of the morning. I ended up not doing much, just looking up a dozen articles for CRM coursework and mindless stuff in between. I really hope tomorrow he will say that we can use studies from different countries 'cause there's hardly many from our own. Anyways, after lunch I started to pick up pace with getting more articles and typing the first sentence of my coursework when I decided it was time to dust and hoover and it was all done really successfully. Other than that, I did a few more sentences for the coursework and tried getting onto the revision side of things with little luck. Ended up just having a quick glance at SPSS outputs for ANOVA's to try and understand them, but I'm pissed off with myself for not getting the regression stuffs done.

Tomorrow is the last workshop and i'm still debating whether to go in or not. It's basically going to be maybe half an hour with the logistics stuff and then if I'm lucky she'll just tell me where to look for the ANOVA output, i'm worried that 'cause I haven't prepared the regression stuff that i'll still have questions unanswered :/ But, maybe i'll just turn up late? Mum's been preoccupied all day, got 2 minute conversations with her, and as predicted she started filling Aurore's survey but hasn't finished. Hopefully it'll get done before A leaves. But yeah, just been remembering him and feeling lonely and wishful. I really did try and phone my grandma but I just couldn't. Sometimes i'm really incapable.

So yeah, perfect time to watch GG and basically, like woah. I cannot believe Dan ruined Blair's life by sending in the vid to Gossip Girl, and so Georgina has taken over from GG because she's on the hideout since the car accident thing. And woah on Chuck and Blair's little talk "it has to be on equal terms," jfbsjkdghs. Oh yeah, and I hate Louis and his mother; and I bet someone's going to end up paying the dowry. Blair did a really mature, sensible and selfless thing though; going with Louis and keep up the charade despite everything. Moral of the storyline; choose happiness.

I just wish I could find happiness.

All these things that I've done.

Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out

I got soul, but i'm not a soldier.

The Killers, revision and a trip to the store to get milk, cereal and Nutella. That's all my day has really been. Not sure what else happened, since there are hours unaccounted for. I got up late and was ready for almost 11, so that's another 2 hours just messing about and passing pubs with people already drinking. St. Patrick's mayhem ensuing everywhere, and I wish I could be all happy. Truth is, last night, I really got Mark angry. He misunderstood me telling him that I love him, when what I actually said in response to his question of "do you love me?" was I guess, as much as an ice cold hearted queen can love (which means not at all.) Now it feels like I've badly hurt him, and it's all different from now on I'm guessing. My life sucks, I can't even maintain the friendships I really want/need. Okay anyways, I figured that Ben is leaving soon (maybe tomorrow?) for his 5 weeks, Aurore at the end of the coming week and so it will be both me and Wilf alone. Oh the joy. Haha.

So I managed to do the ANOVA part of revision, though when actually doing it on SPSS I made a huge cockup and I don't get the output still. Hopefully I'll get my head around it in less than 2 weeks, and as my workshop tutor to practically give the answers on Monday. Other than that I need to do all the Regression revision tomorrow, and practicals to it, and then also start on my CRM coursework; see if I can get any more questions out of it to ask Graham on Monday. I really hope she'll check my work on Monday and tell me what I'm doing wrong.

I finally got around to watching DH and then GG! THE WEDDING, OMG. I hatehatehate Louis, and especially his mother going on about marriage being a business deal. ARGH. And the whole Dan/Chuck stuff - like woah. Other than that, I got teary eyed at the whole wedding and set up and it was all so beautiful and the dress was stunning and the place was pretty. Also I loved how B asked Cyrus to walk her down the aisle as well, and love B's mom for getting Chuck there. I STILL do not believe Georgina is GG. I want Kristen Bell, dammit!

Need to get my room hoovered and dusted and then all will be complete. And Mother's Day I am supposed to phone my grandmother. DO NOT FORGET, K.

Paperweight.

I feel renewed, and it's weird. Not completely new, but sort of refreshed; kind of relaxed and I kind of love it. I know I have to appreciate every second of it because soon it will be gone. But I basically woke up at 8ish, slept again until 9:30 and then stayed in bed until just after 10. Then just started tidying up my notes, got them all in order and all filed. The rest of my room was starting to appear clean and then tackled the kitchen. This morning Wilf arrived, and damn, I thought I had one more day without him! But it wasn't too bad. I basically stretched out my day doing nothing much, completed Aurore's survey and started having a look at my CRM but didn't get much further. Also I couldn't bear to tackle my revision so it is left until tomorrow. I really must push myself, okay? So anyways, I started dancing in my room and everything. It is a different day. I found this tinychat with good music, Hilary Duff and stuff and it was all cool. After H&A, tried to do some work but I couldn't really. So just watched 'Enders and The Lying Game and talking to Mark now.

Papercuts, paper cranes.

Uneventful, pointless morning. We spent 10 minutes doing a newspaper exercise on attributions, that was all. That is all I dragged myself there for. And no one really said anything. Fucking hell. Also, I realised just at that moment that I hadn't double spaced my work. I'm really stressing about it, what if the marker refuses to read it or penalises me badly, because it was basically just all words. I might email Ian tomorrow mentioning that i'm stressed about it. Gah. I posted off my mother's day card in the remaining hour and a half and went on the computers to start CRM coursework. Anyways, Narges came and sat next to me in Social as all her beloved crew were busily finishing their assignments. It's funny how she hasn't even looked my way in two months or so and all of a sudden she's sat next to me. But yeah, social is always interesting and there was only about 12 people at the lecture. I basically thought fuck it and went home straight after. No more Tony Lawrence for another 7/8 months at least. He reminds me of someone I'd rather forget anyway; someone who seems to have forgotten me. Uhm yeah, I hope we do actually have another revision quiz lecture next week - it says we do on the module guide!

Other than that, ate lunch and watched the beloved Supernanny; got a lot of stuff done after in terms of cleaning and tidying my room. I've still got piles of notes on the floor though. Just been basically following the posts on the Psychology group on facebook and how our exam is on the 23rd May now (2 weeks after the exam period is meant to be over!) So we're just meant to revise for our exam for 2 months?! Bloody 'ell. I hope they can change the date to earlier for us. I had pizza for dinner, some H&A, CSI and root beer. 'Enders too. And it's weird, it's just gone ten and I feel absolutely exhausted. I may just go to bed and watch The Lying Game tomorrow.

You call me lavender, you call me sunshine.

I finished my work by 9pm and yeah, it's been a long day. Mostly it was just a case of staying tense and getting on with it. I got loads of junk from the pound shop and then Saj and I discussed the assignment in workshop; it's actually put me off qualitative research, this report has. It's just so pedantic and time consuming. Anycase, i'm gonna just go to bed..

Forwards, somehow.

So I sat around kicking myself because I was unable to tackle my work, then all of a sudden after I'd had my dinner, I got a lucky strike and i've managed to do everything to a suitable standard (for me) except for my results section (notably the hardest part because of the explanation and interpretation involved but.. eh.) So yeah, I just wish I could tell when it's one of those days where I can't work until the evening. I hate when I don't understand myself.

Out of reach.

Just watched a movie called The Wackness. Just gets me wishing I could live. I don't know, honestly, how I'm going to get through the rest of my life. Forget all this day by day bullcrap, I don't get my existence at all, and how i'm going to maintain it past next year. I want to give up, always. Because it doesn't get better than this, because that's how we've become on the whole - buying into a fairytale fallacy and each day we grow older it all comes tumbling down on us. It's a way to make humans live I guess, otherwise we'd all just see the truth, the actual sense of life and that, is basically death. Anyhow, I skipped my workshop this morning (ohwells,) and did a bit more work; though on the whole what I have done today has really not been that much. Baby steps, I guess. And then Pia didn't bring her boyfriend into CRM today, so that was a letdown. But I got to talk and discuss work and stuffs with Saj and then yeah. Couldn't find any Time Outs in £1 shop, so I guess i'll get some on Weds along with pizza and junk. Other than that, not much going on really. Got to practically finish my work tomorrow. I feel shitty and sick (I felt almost unable to breathe, like i'd stopped breathing during the night, when I woke up this morning.)

Fifteen.

Well, I managed to accomplish most of my report, except a 1000 words here or there and a lot of adding and taking away and tweaking. I've decided i'm going to miss the workshop on MANOVA and catch up during summer on that one. I can always go and ask someone if i've done it right on my own. It was a lovely day, though. I went out for a fifteen minute walk and it was good to be in the warm sun and gentle breeze, and I hope days like this continue. I'm really going to be stressed the next three weeks or so though, and I may have to cave in and ask someone to visit :/

Eh, I don't know. I'm too tired and I need to relax.

I'm just a little bit tired, I'm just a little bit bored.

I get that you just wanted a nice, normal relationship with me. I guess I've understood that far too late now. You wanted normality, and love, and sharing and fun. But all I did was destroy everything, including myself. I guess it was my personal vendetta against myself, I never meant to hurt you, I only ever wanted to help you. But then, when you cheated and all that, the ways you behaved; I guess I put up that wall and started raging and tearing everything down. I just wish you hadn't started this, I wish we could have peace together. This is all a lot too late now, but I finally understand it. It was never me you were going to end up with, because I am too destructive and I have too many issues and am probably mentally ill. I've got to help myself, and that's all you wanted to see/help me to do, but instead I did the opposite and kept thwarting all attempts to get better, to be better & be how it all used to be. Taking care of you as well as you taking care of me. I just miss you, and I always will. I don't think it's fair that you're not allowing me to move on, because I both want to and need to now.

Today was a complete waste of a day though, it was sunny and warm for a while so I managed to go out for a walk, and I got clothes washed but apart from that I only mustered up a paragraph and I'm basically falling behind. I only have until Tuesday, really and it's massively scaring me now. I haven't given myself any good things today, for lack of deserving them. I need to have incentive to get stuff done and have nice things as rewards. I feel all shitty, and I'm afraid tonight will be much like the last where I cry and hurt and can't sleep until I text someone like Mark to say he's still interested in me. Just to know someone cares and feels things for me. I feel all wrong and I just want to be right, for it all to be right. Someone, please help me.

Sadness personified.

Did I ask you for attention?
When affection is what I need.
Thinking sorrow is perfection,
I'd wallow 'til you told me;
There's no glitter in the gutter,
There's no twilight galaxy.

I got a quarter of my report done today, it's progress but I need to make sure I finish more than half of it tomorrow so then Sunday can be about doing the tedious results section which I feel is going to make or break me - interpreting correctly or incorrectly is the question. I tend to overanalyse things. I went out after I had my lunch to get some food stuffs, and on my return walk back, some crazy numpty shouted out the window 'sket' to me. Like what even?! He does not know one thing.

I started this entry earlier in the morning but I feel okay right now so i'm not going into the whole sadness aspect. I had a day full of uplifting beats and good food (ate half a block of Terry's chocolate orange) and I've been watching The Lying Game and now onto Desperate Housewives before bed. Hopefully I can make a hatrick of good days this weekend (by that, I mean the remaining three days.) Oh yeah, side note; Pia is going to probably bring her boyfriend to CRM on Monday and see how he reacts to Graham. Hahaha, hilarious stuff. And BAM, the second I posted this entry, my new self absorbed neighbours ran out shouting and slamming doors and stuff. Ugh.

Welcome to my life.

Haha, I actually hope you don't read my patheticness on here. I missed out on the UV party. Ugh. Anyhow, it was quite an alright day; talked to Pia loads and it felt pretty normal. We talked on Kony and her ex and even about her cousin who is in an abusive relationship. It was really interesting, and I enjoyed the natter whilst both in workshop and social lecture time. She even came into town to top up my phone with me, and we went into Boots and the pound shop for her to get some stuff for her blisters. We were talking about health and diets and boys and everything. It was really nice to have her around. I actually starved myself a little and went to the computers to do some more IPA extracting. It was kinda annoying that I didn't get to finish, but I went to eat and Pia had already gone home since the stats lecture is nothing about what we need to know for the exam. MANOVA's are shit anyway. I was a little tensed sitting with a big gap between me and others, so when the module evaluation forms were being handed in, I didn't end up handing mine in. Oh wells.

I had great hope I'd at least finish my themes and finding the relevant extracts, but no, I just kept being on the 'net, and apparently Aurore wants me to do some questionnaire and ask my parents to do it as well. I worry she knows. I watched some GG and yeah, that's about it really. I wonder how the celebrations went tonight.

Every door I ever tried was locked.

I am off. I am sunken. I am miserable. I am unable to communicate this. I am every shade of blue, from the sky to the sea; the darkness at night and the piercing bright. I am a spectrum, I am radiant but only some light gets through at some points in time. I want to drive myself forwards, I need more fire, I need more fuel.

After only having had almost 4 hours sleep, I felt unsurprisingly unwell today. Didn't help that the weather was terribly windy and rainy and weird. I want some predictability. I ended up coming home after boring lectures (Saj came halfway through 241 and left before 246 started) and did everything but work. I'm starting to feel a huge pressure now, I may have to skip socialising tomorrow. I don't like it anymore, stress does weird things to me. I ended up going back to bed and finally watching the Kony 2012 video. Although it inspired me and made me cry; Also, here is what I wrote about it on tumblr:

Whilst I agree that Kony needs to be stopped, I also think that this problem has been happening for far too long. It just annoys me that I remember when I was 7, hearing about these so called ‘child armies’ and seeing kids with guns and being told to shoot people. I obviously didn’t understand it fully back then, but I was aware and I wished there was something I could do. Now, all of a sudden people (and ‘forcefully’ governments) seem to be jumping on the bandwagon. It’s funny how politics and money drive the world’s concerns. Little was being done before this mass hysteria because countries that have power had no vested interest. And now it’s only because of the sudden demand. Forget about the right thing or the humane thing, each and every stuck up politician and state deciders and world issue speakers did not care enough. My family and I donate to charities and causes that help vulnerable children such as kids under this regime, we have for a long time and this whole campaign whilst speaks to me, it also annoys me.

Obviously it’s just a zeitgeist. But more of this should happen at a time when it really counts, not when masses have already been lost in the so called ‘secret war.’ It definitely used to be in the news when I was younger.

Rambow Mahanoblis.

I just re-watched Hard Candy on iplayer and screencapped a bit. It's funny how something that was released ages ago predicted a part of my life I could never even imagine would exist. Another wasted day though, these are becoming all too familiar. After the motivational talk from my parents at the weekend, I would have thought things may have picked up a little. I guess I've repressed the darkness for now, but it doesn't mean it's not bursting to come out and shows itself in small, ugly ways. I tried to do the simple themes and find the bits relevant from the extracts, but I only managed a slight amount. So basically I've got it all to do over the weekend. And panic. Also on Thursday, if I can manage I kind of plan to go to this fest thing at uni. Just go out, see some faces, experience some things. It'll be the only real event this year. Well, I guess there was one other.

I really just wish I could go out into the world and explore it. There's just so much out there and I want to get started on travelling again. I already feel like I need to leave here, and it would be great to be a traveller, a nomad. Never worrying, always moving, always searching. But then there would be never finding, never having comfort or security. It's all scary, and I was thinking earlier how if it hadn't been for my parents, I actually wouldn't have gone out and seen the world. I would be like every other Joe Bloggs, and I would have in fact, experienced very little. There's also a new couple (maybe with a baby, i'm not quite sure) who moved in to the rented property next door. Probably first time movers. It just annoys me how they're making noise all day, moving things and talking really loudly and stuff. I hope they don't continue to be an annoyance. They even parked their car illegally on double yellow lines. I really hope that the traffic warden patrols the road this week and fines them/reports them and sends them on their way. I just, I couldn't even put the bin out properly. People are now having to cross at other places along the road and it's all shitty. Fuck off back to wherever you came from, k.

Guilty fattening gluttony.

I've waited hours for this
I've made myself so sick
I wish I'd stayed asleep today
I never thought that this day would end
I never thought that tonight could ever be
This close to me.

I eat and eat, carbs upon carbs and fizzy pop, popcorn and chocolate. I can't stop myself. The smallest things only provide the most temporary comfort. I think the long, hard enduring days are getting to me unconciously. They keep telling me it's only a month more that I have to focus and give it my all. I better listen, just get on with it. Time moves on way too quickly anyway. I really wish it would all just stop. Stop for just a little while so I can just get some help and then get some friends (like life long, sisterhood type friendships) and be able to understand my work/get work experience. That's all, really. I want to become integrated into 'normality.' It's times like this that I wish I could see the way forwards. It's times like this when I wish you were around. I can't be stable without you. Everything revolves/d around you.

Today was alright, however I only got 18/25 for the mock 242 test and I'm pretty worried considering some of the sneaky wordings and the terrifying questions. I really have so much on my hands and I'm getting so stressed. It doesn't help that I need to try and be social this week when they have the whole colour throwing extravaganza. I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through it and get through it well. It was nice speaking to Pia and mother today, and Saj went to her Dr's appt. so she may finally get her hip sorted. Things are finally quiet in the house without Wilf. It's good at the moment. Oh yeah, got to watch Ed Westwick in the Son Of Rambow, haha. It was such a cutesy movie, heartfelt and warm. I want friendship like that. Also, I think it was set in the 80s and I just wish I could be a part of all of those school discos and playing outside and all that. I want to be a kid in those times, it seems so much fun. Also, I now am so into The Cure.

Always there but never here.

I feel like I'm constantly in between places, but never actually anywhere. I feel excluded and shifted about everywhere and I guess I just need something (someone) constant in my life. Like friends and stuff.

I basically did all the housework that I could to help my mother, and then got on with some revision. I honestly have no clue why reading my notes on paper is so much easier than actually applying my knowledge of stats and all that. It's scary as I've not even really started on the coursework and I really am running out of time. Same for CRM, I should have already started the first 1000 words, he said not to leave 3000 words all to the last minute for a reason. I need to take heed. Other than that, just watched Supernanny and had a chat with dad about healthy eating and some shizz whilst having some sweet potatoes. It actually felt all nice, cuddling and eating chocolate and I'd also polished off some créme patisserie French brioche type things with raisins in them. I think I think too much about food.

Hard Candy.

So this day was mainly about getting things done in terms of revision and helping my mother. I managed some, but the rest of the time was in watching an awesome Ellen Page movie. I was already pretty depressed about him that morning and not a terrible lot was being done, the threat of not going anywhere loomed as I had my hair appointment at 1:45. But as my mother chased around a misplaced parcel in town, I got to watch one of the best teen-grooming movies to date. I think Ellen acted so well, and the whole castration scenario and everything she was doing I could so imagine myself doing with Andy. All those times I thought about tieing him up and torturing him; making him get what he deserved. Retribution at its best. I really couldn't stop thinking about him throughout. The movie is on Iplayer and I shall try and watch it once more, uninterrupted. See, at the time, my mother wanted to make me something her dad used to like. She asked me to get the sugar under the stairs and I came back with salt (taste tested.) There was no other bottle of white stuff, so I gave her the only other one there was (which was in a sweetners jar) and she nodded saying yes, that's it only to discover she'd poured a load of salt into the mixture. Screaming and all that, and in a way, it's sad that I'm leaving uni soon because I have all of this to come back to.

No shopping, and I didn't like the way she did my hair (or my eyebrows.) The evening was alright, finished watching Ringer after Prits left. He was being really weird, almost psychosomatic about his skin irritation, thinking he had things crawling/biting him. Also, he was going on about rats in the attic. What even, it was a little worrying. It's nice to be in a familiar place, though. It's just that bit of relaxation and not having to worry about every single thing in the day. In some ways, it will be good to be back.

Ringer.

I am so into tv shows that have twins living each others lives and screwing it all up. Mark is slightly obsessed with me again and it's scaring me. I think I've put on more weight and I can't seem to shake it. P gave me the mess around this morning for my appt. and then I have a hair appt. tomorrow afternoon which almost thwarts the shopping plan. This place, I love being here in a way; it is very strange. I miss the house or the memories, but neither really. Maybe it's just the love and relaxation I get whilst I'm here. Or a little bit of comfort. A nice warm place with lovely bed and shower and sky + tv. I dunno, hugs help. I got work/revision done today but the mock questions seem mostly hard. I've got to do the a3 sheets now, in the morning and hopefully some 242 planning and 201 reading, and other stuff if mum's laptop holds out. I'm hoping she'll retrieve the battery tomorrow and hopefully all will be good. Then sounds like shopping at Trafford?

On my way back home.

Today was lovely, at first it seemed like getting up for 9am was a waste of time, it was cold & there was fog cover absolutely everywhere. I got to do a very lame observation study, and ended up talking to the Polish (?) girl who always wants to sit next to me in workshops. She actually came here on a student visa with her friend, but the real reason was to set up a supermarket/restaurant with her boyfriend. It all sounds so cool. But yeah, Nats also said something to me and I missed it and I didn't speak loud enough so I hope she doesn't think i'm being funny.

Also I got my themes for IPA done and i'm just going to stick to it now. I've got a busy weekend of work, shopping and a load of other things. I hopefully am getting my hair trimmed too. Then I sat with Saj and Social lecture's seem okay. Just a build up on last year, and loads of familiar studies from college. Then just had lunch and messed around, went to revision lecture which I see i'm almost there with my knowledge. Just designs and analysis that I need to brush up on. I really had a good chat with Saj and her friends, and Nats and Dani and people before, felt so included I didn't want today to end. Time just goes by so fast.

Came back, relaxed and sorted things out and now I gotta get the train.

Just because we can't be together, doesn't mean I won't always love you.

GG really makes me cry. It makes me wonder if you left because you think I deserve better, and you want me to move on. I really need to hear the words from you again and try to understand. I want to, well, I need to know if you'll always have love for me or if you were really, truly just using me. Does it hurt when you think of me, or have you moved on?

The day was alright, got a scary jolt of reality and how I may never be able to pass this research project. I have to keep up the relationship and communicate well with my supervisor, and I'm not sure if I'm even allowed to go to more than one person. I can't even communicate with anyone or keep up a repetoire with a single soul so there goes my chances. Unless I get help over the summer, and I keep going back to that idea..

I handed in my coursework, it actually sounds like I may have gone overboard with references because people have done more, but not as quite as much as me :/ And CRM sounds like it's planned and i'm gaining sources for evidence. So, yeah, all in all it's going okay-ish. The highlight of today was really eating pizza and having root beer, finishing one quest on sims social and watching The Lying Game and GG. H&A too, of course. And i'm looking forward to a long sought after marathon of Ringer at the weekend. Let's hope it's not too painful.

Just keep following the heartlines on your hand.

Just got to keep on keeping on. I managed to do some work today, though not as much as I'd hoped. Honestly, the sims social is just too addictive. I really think I have an addictive personality. Anyway, I even did a lovely little drawing too. I had a nice chat with John and Wilf today, and apparently Wilf is going back to his hometown for two weeks. Also, I found out that Warwick uni finish on the 16th March for Easter and have almost 5 weeks off; like wtf?! I'll just be glad when the stress is over, but i'm not looking forward to the stress of summer, it just isn't like what it used to be. I really hope we can go away for a few days at least, I am in dire extreme need of a break. Tomorrow's CRM workshop is going to be interesting since I haven't prepard. Anyways, GG is playing at my heart strings, Chuck and Dan and that filthy French pig. I wish unconditional love existed. I miss him..

One big last mark.

I had an encouraging yet tiresome day. But I am going to get on top of things and start feeling better, I hope.

All the stars and boulevards.

All in all, it's been a weird and long and good day; nostalgic in parts, dreamy in others and hard work in most. I have finished my 241 coursework though i'm not sure to what standard.

I walked in the sun to get tickets, got my milk, got my work done and stuffed my face.

Anyway, tired.

Livin' in a dreamworld.

The warm sun, blue skies and a lot of daydreaming. I researched mainly, so at least I did something. It's basically going to be a mad rush tomorrow sprucing it all up and writing it all out and that dreaded drawing. Also got to buy some milk/maybe biscuits and go and collect train tickets. I hope the weather is warmer and stays sunny. I literally perched on my suitcase near the window and sat in the glorifying sun for hours this afternoon. I've stuffed myself with food though; crisps, chocolate, cookies, sweets, more chocolate.. Ugh. I did do a tiny bit of stepping again but nowhere near as much as yesterday. I've been feeling a bit bleh too. Mum was like SJ's uncle's passed on and you must send him a text to show you're sorry, it's something you have to start doing blah blah blah. I hate the guy, so no way. I am sorry he's lost someone, I'd never like to lose someone so yeah. But i'm not going to give him my number, especially with what he did with my old sim & I'm also not gonna put myself under his radar again.

Anyway, had lovely tomato and basil pasta with my root beer, and it was fun talking to them on the phone for an hour. I often wonder how people live out there whilst I'm stuck indoors. I just wish I were capable, that's all. Enough to move to the other side of the world and start fresh. It's something I need to do if I want to continue to live/exist.

Rilo Kiley's Dreamworld's stuck in my head, because that's where my mind seems to be the most.

Now afraid the story of free from love to a lie.
The clover under your feet is shooting stars in the night.
The people under your feet are shooting stars in the night.
The people, all that you meet.

They're living in a dreamworld.
You're livin' in a dreamworld.

You should be wilder, you're no fun at all.

Working out feels good, and my buttocks actually feel achy. Good music and i'm getting on with work. I actually wish we got to design toys and present them in poster format more often. The weather definitely makes a difference :)

So today was a largely productive day, I've only got 2 slides left and some others to add to and tweak. And then my god awful drawing, I guess. I'm really tired though, woke up before 9 and got up soon after and it's been a mostly working day but I'm glad. Earlier, Wilfred asked me in a weird way if I have many friends and I told him that this was the only weekend I get to finish my work so I don't have time. Bloody 'ell he made me feel all kbdfhj.

Watching 'Enders, I really hope Max doesn't take the forbidden fruit, again. Especially his brother's ex! Ahh. Anyways, I love Cadbury's Trifles and I am tired. Now I am off.

Votre fabuleux destin.

My heart is light, there are blue skies and the warming sun makes me smile. I woke up feeling refreshed, renewed and different. Like something had unconciously clicked in my sleep. A fresh outlook, a positive expression, a readiness for life again. Although it was grey and looked like it had rained, I was calm in my approach to everything. There is some renewed strength, I guess. So I got some pretty helpful tips and things for revision and poster ideas. Spent time talking with Pia and it was all good. It was mainly social today for me, chatting away and presenting. Saj even showed up for the 242 revision lecture. I am now clear on the poster, and I am quite in love with developmental stuff. We got this talk on studying a year abroad next year, in places like Spain and Italy etc. Sounds good in theory, and it's only 80 credits worth of modules; and you don't even have to pass. Shame that time is not on my side, and neither is mental health. So anyhow, Ian Hulme seemed a lot nicer in the lecture today, and then I just got home, relaxed and listened to Jean-Pierre Jeunet and caught up on things. It's been a lovely day overall, and i've got my mac'n'cheese and cadbury's trifle to look forward to! Then the hard work starts tomorrow..

You're haunting me.

It's been said you should love yourself before anyone else can love you. I really don't understand myself, and how I have become this way. Largely a really low and pointless day; 7am for a ten minute lecture?! Also the internets wouldn't work at uni and then 246PY was boring rehash. They have taken my bus stop away, so tomorrow I shall have to go all the way to the bus station and find out my alternatives, there site online is honestly useless. Also, none of these changes are meant to occur until Sunday so I have no clue why the fucking council is being gay. I am calm, largely now. I've just got to focus, Mark's having time away to suppress his feelings for me, and I have a deadline a week today so I basically need to get it done this weekend anyway. I feel like being better already, I just need to be able to reach out; see how others see me, start liking myself and understanding myself and then it'll get better a step at a time. I just need one big breakthrough.

Walking with our eyes through the sky on a tightrope wire.

Love is a drug but the drug won't take me higher.

That Darn Cat!

If only life were like a 1960s American movie. Life was so much simpler then, and nice and less sexualised.
I caught up with Becky Holden today; like woah.

Like lightning.

The sun is out although there is still a chill in the air. The tranisent bright white clouds against a pale (almost) sky blue background. I am getting somewhere in fading small steps.

THREE WAYS I AM STILL A KID:

1. I crave attention/affection.

2. I get lost in my imagination.

3. The past never really leaves me.

THREE WAYS I AM ALREADY OLD:

1. "I am twenty and I am already exhausted."

2. I feel like my life is just passing me by and I can't do a thing about it.

3. My heart is heavy and dark.

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO:

1. Firstly, get better.

2. Secondly, get out of this country.

3. Thirdly, start living.

THREE WAYS THAT I'M A STEREOTYPICAL "GIRL":

1. I like pretty things.

2. I have moods.

3. I like to paint my nails.

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:

1. Get fit.

2. Be on a healthy diet.

3. Learn to love myself, or at least accept myself.

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:

1. My kindness.

2. My teeth.

3. My wanderlust.

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:

1. Thighs.

2. Belly.

3. Weak will power.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:

1. British.

2. Italian.

3. (...American in heart and soul)

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:

1. Growing old.

2. Being alone.

3. Losing out/not living.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:

1. Water.

2. Laptop.

3. Perfume.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:

1. Smile.

2. Hands/arms.

3. Hair.

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:

1. Grow taller.

2. Get thin.

3. Stop worrying.

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:

1. Artist of some sort.

2. Writer.

3. Psychologist.

THREE THINGS THAT CROSS YOUR MIND A LOT:

1. Self-hatred, inadequacy.

2. Hunger.

3. Things I want or could be doing.

THREE SONGS THAT MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU:

1. Sleeping Sickness, City & Colour.

2. Dark Paradise, Lana Del Rey.

3. Watch The Sky, Something Corporate.

THREE THINGS IN YOUR BAG:

1. Brolly.

2. Notebook.

3. Pens.

THREE CONFESSIONS:

1. Though I don't want to, I still want you in my life.

2. Growing older terrifies me.

3. Sometimes I wish I couldn't dream.

Stay with me.

Really depressing day. I managed to force some work in but it was no where near enough. Especially since tomorrow access to journals will be near impossible to 5pm and I really need to work on 241 research/theory and 246 project planning. Also, I found out that Charlotte Venables was the one who dobbed into Ian Hume. Very odd; I didn't take her up for an ass kissing psycho. Although she is odd. Anyways, this is becoming pointless so I will resign.

If being sad burnt calories, I probably wouldn’t exist. Tonight I just feel like crying. I'm actually so sad that I feel nauseous.

It's the way you smile away your sorrows.

“Time was passing like a hand waving from a train I wanted to be on. I hope you never have to think about anything as much as I think about you.” — Jonathan Safran Foer

“Unfortunately, the clock is ticking, the hours are going by. The past increases, the future recedes. Possibilities decreasing, regrets mounting.” — Haruki Murakami

Every time I breathe it hurts my heart. I want to know you more, to talk you but you're never around. I wonder what you think of me, whether you want to use me or if it's something more. I guess I'll never know.

I'm permanently black and blue for you.

I want to ask you all of these things, like do you truly believe in love. And what could come of us; would it only be temporary, or since you are looking to settle down soon perhaps it will be more? This latter concept scares me to no end, I just can't imagine it happening. But I want to be close to people, that's the sad thing about it. I think I've grown way too protective of my heart and mind, I don't see any way out really. I wish I were able to keep up with everything everyone does, stay track of it all. I think that's what's wrong about me, that I was built to network; to know many and get along with the majority, but I was never for making connections. I mean, if you really think about it it is pretty impossible to keep up with what many people are doing instead of focusing on the few. But I think I am too selective, I want someone with common interests etc*. That same notion transpires to relationships, and I want someone who I can actually be me around. And you are by some means that person, but we're so very different in most ways.

I had soup and bread today; I am feeling unwell and it seemed appropriate. I just think I need some good rest.

*There's a whole previous post on what I want in a friendship.

You know you only do this to punish yourself.

I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore. Once one day starts, I can't wait for it to finish; I hound myself into keeping awake until I can't take it any longer, then I get a few hours of sleep and carry out my day until about mid afternoon when I just wish time would regurgitate itself and I want all of those mindless hours on autopilot back. The unlikeliness is, is that I feel no guilt or anything at the moment. It's like I have gone back to not feeling; which is a very dangerous place to be in. I need to care, I need someone to care for me. Looking at the Sasha storyline, I'm glad I still haven't given in to you; because I don't trust you, because you're not right for me, because I'm too messed up for you, and because once I get into you I won't be able to control it at all. I know you don't care so much, or feel anything other than lust. Sometimes I think i'm your protogé, other times I just think I'm no one to you. I don't understand this at all.

Lately I am rubbish at replying/sending anything to anyone. I currently have three messages and two emails to send. Plus a truckload of work, which means that this weekend must be productive or else I am properly screwed. Also, today; I lost Mark for definite. Ohwells, life goes on I guess.

"But, I'm so mean."

"Mean is okay."

It's just another day of mass consumerism.

A year ago everything was so different; and this time last year I had you. I remember not being happy with you, deciding to let you go the day after V-day but at least I still had you. The following months of your tactical game were surprisingly pleasureable for me. Though once you started that darn job on your birthday, everything went down the drain. I miss you, but I'm trying not to think about you. People say to get on with other activities, try something new and distract myself; keep my mind from wandering on to you. But since I have no life, this proves extremely difficult and I keep imagining ways to get back in touch with you, forcefully because you will have it no other way. I just hope in the month I was informed that you're still single, that you indeed are. I hope you think of me, on days such as this one and miss me to your bones. I really hope I feature in your mind somehow. I don't know the best way to get in touch, but one day, once there is less stress; I know I will. This isn't going away.

Burning through the lining.

It's that day of the week already, apparently. I feel utterly shit from the lack of sleep and the fact I am alone. It's tomorrow, and I don't want it to be tomorrow. I remember about 8 years ago now, the text I recieved. I was wondering, kept smiling and almost wanted to be hasty in actions such as replying and asking. I remember finding out later in the night and I couldn't stop smiling. I don't think I've been alone for Valentine's for years. It's basically just a consumer's holiday. Nothing special about it, really. I plan to just get on with amounts of work and relaxation starting with a lie-in tomorrow. Everything was pretty usual, coursework continuation and DA actually isn't as easy to carry out. In CRM, I understand why I didn't quite get a first (2 marks off) because David bleeeeeeedin' Baker marked my work. WHYYY. But then we had the lecture, and Graham demanded our respect. He must have been having a really bad day because he accused us of 'twittering' three times; and then when he'd rushed through the lecture, because so many people were packing up he decided to keep us for the last twenty minutes and go on about reflection and being university students and blah blah blah. Not the kind of thing I want on a Monday. Anyway, I'm hoping things go well as most people have started this poster coursework in the past weekend where I was fucking wasting time due to my fucked up family.

Also, I should really edit some previous entries so that they make sense.

Waste of a day, but my head is buzzing.

8 am start, for what?! We didn't leave till 10 & had to return to their house to pick up psycho's pills. Then the car alarm wouldn't shut the fuck up, and the internal lights wouldn't go off. Two hours of a quiet and sicknening car journey, a rush change of clothes and three awkward sisters. None of them really mixed with us, it was just blehh. Wait without peace, did two out of the three notes I wanted to do. Waste, wait, waste. Food was okayish. Got to see some faces. Then headed off to the to-be inlaws and sat, awkwardness; they practically ignored me. It was all about R, and the wedding and bleh. Too many people, too loud, too shitty. Not great. But I got to share the atmosphere & some different food. 5ish, went back and her other cousins had arrived from Northampton, and I was like WTF. So, got left out yet again & they decided to go back to the inlaws again. OMFG, more awkwardness & ended up leaving well after 8. Home, tiredness; stuff all over my bed. 9am start. Fuck that shit. Completely pointless day, in my opinion.

On fire.

Bridesmaid dresses in BHS. Meal with the groom, lasagne & good times.

This car is running empty.

I am a mess of emotions. Sinking deep into despair, frozen by the ice clinging to the headlights. At least I've been travelling and got somewhere with work today. All day I've been getting cut up in pieces by thoughts of him, just wondering if he believed in me and wanted me to do well and be better. I just want to know his motives for no contact; and even if there's a chance to keep him in my life. Let's face it, I've only given up because I gave no energy and the dark is on the brink of spilling out and I won't be able to control it if I do. Sunday is going to be hell. I never wake up at 6, ever. Family is the shittest thing ever. Unless of course you're Ruby and lose your mother. I just can't believe that is how they let her go. I also saw the part where April slept with Heath even though he's at least 8 years older. It got me thinking of giving in to him and just getting it over with. They had a friendship though, they understood small parts of each other, and we don't. Plus I don't think she was even bothered about the emotions. I would become too emotionally involved, even though I don't even want to hear the word relationship. So I really don't know. I've been crying all day, it's probably the hormones but still. I wish someone could get close and love me like

Embrace me for eternity..

Endless train journeys.

The dark seems endless in winter, time; lots of it during train rides. Time to reflect, time to miss, time to enjoy some peace because before not too long there's the busy movement and dreary days. I'm seriously tired by the end of every night yet I almost punish myself to stay awake; stay up for a boy's attention. How very typical of me. I remember the dream of him still so vividly. Laying under a tree, saving me and telling me all of those wonderful things. Words are more than life, they are tools in which evil men lure young girls to bed with. All of those misinformed "I love yous" and subtle flirting hints. Perhaps that's all it was, a way to get under my skin. I'll never know now, at least I doubt I will.

Depressive mothers ignore their children's needs more and therefore affecting their future chances in life, personality and other development, as well as future relationships of course. I just really wish the damage could be reversed, that parents could magically learn these things. I want to be like everyone else a little more, to blend in and feel at ease. I'm tired of living on the edge. I don't remember featuring this yesterday, but I got a first in counselling skills and two marks off a first in CRM. I'm pretty happy, I guess.

I wouldn't mind if we could do this, a little while longer. Chasing time, travelling faster into the distance, into the darkness of the night. Forever and ever this could go on, and I wouldn't mind. Time almost stands still when you are travelling.

Sleep is the best part of waking.

I want to get back to my creative roots. The ones he stole from me, I think need to find a way to come back. I'm slowly grasping onto knowledge (reading in between the lines) that I am better off without him and it is better this way. I just wish I had the chance to communicate that with him, show no hard feelings and all. I've started eating jammie dodgers again, and trying hot chocolate with nutella (gorgeous, by the way.) Not much productivity going on, but I think I am coming forth into my new self.

Lately sleep is all that is worth living for.

Mountain of flowers.

You're quickly becoming a phantom now, I try to feel you by my side and your hand in mine. It used to come naturally, the memory of your touch. But now it seems my imagination is doing most of the work. I feel myself bending towards the attention I'm given, so desperately wanting to give in, but I know it will never be like it was with you. It's like flowers, reaching out towards the light. They only want what makes them grow and live. He does not exist here, with me. But flesh that does not exist will never die and promises made are never unbroken. A mountain of flowers, and you will always be the summit.

(I am secretly convinced there is a strong bond between us, even though he’s seventeen years older than I.)

Monday, Monday, Monday.

I always think of the Tegan & Sara song. I don't largely remember all of the actual wonderful stuff I wanted to write other than I'm glad the snow has cleared, I did some IPA and it's harder than I initally thought so I may have to revert to DA for the coursework. I ended up getting some Jammie Dodgers! Childhood loves and then Graham went through a two hour lecture in just over an hour so we got to leave early. Everything seems to be half-hearted, half done and not even attempted. I want days to be lighter and longer and with more structure. I bear my heart when I'm tired, and I've become attached to two. Most of this won't make sense. PMSing. I don't know.

The honeymoon is over, the novelty got older.

Blip blip bleep day, my heart and lungs take gasps in bounds to keep functioning. It's like a bitterness and I can't breathe. Most of the day was spent sat feeling sorry for myself and procrastinating. I don't understand how to move forwards when all I do is try and attempt work. Chris says to just keep relaxing and it will work itself out. I don't know, I hate right now. At least the snow's cleared up and well, it's only a few more days until my weekend.

i try, and i try, and i try to remain positive and stay focused on the important things in life, and i always try so hard to be happy. but every once in a while, the fact that i have no friends really gets me down. sure, i have people who i know and people i’ll see out and about and say hello, i’ve got two or three friends who i go out with on a saturday night, i’ve got people i talk to online, i’ve got people i talk to at uni and i’ve got my housemates…but i don’t have anybody significant. i don’t have people who genuinely just want to hang out, because they enjoy being in my company, or anyone who’ll just come and watch movies, or go shopping with, or just be stupid with, or anyone at all that i can talk to about how horrible i feel. it just dawns on me how pathetic it is, that i’m twenty one years old and i am sat in my bed crying my eyes out because i am so fucking lonely. i know people think it’s my fault, i know they think i don’t help myself…i know the conversations people have about me when they think i’m not listening. the truth is, i dont know how to make friends. i dont know how to be around people. people dont get my sense of humour, and to be honest….people really get on my nerves. i dont know if i say that as some sort of shield to make people think there’s a reason i dont have friends. or if i say it because it’s true. i get such bad anxiety around people that it actually destroys any chance i have of making friends. i get too scared to leave my bedroom incase i bump into one of my housemates and i have to make conversation with them. sometimes, the thought of being round people makes me feel physically sick and i have to sit in my bed, with the lights off, in the silence until i calm down.

this is gay as fuck but i am sick and tired of not having a single decent friend. it’s no fun being happy when you don’t have anyone to share it with.

Loving you forever can't be wrong, even though you're not here.

There's no you, except in my dreams tonight.

Everything is cold, people are annoying; their chatter, the laughter, the close huddling, cuddling. All I can think of is you and open fires, skin, hands, warmth. The day goes by unnoticed, a little bit of worry and a stab at the heart. Music, a little bit of reading and social skills online make the day go by. I feel slow, stagnant. Iced. The snow follows, masses of masses of white on white on white. Falling, crystallising, superfluous. I want it all to end, to hibernate until the snow melts with the return of Spring. There is a light in my heart that dims every single day. Winter is a constant battle to stay alive. Escape, pretence, sadness and hunger is what it is all about. Being alone, always alone. Everything is lonely. I just want to fall headfirst (heart first?) into you, into anyone who can show me some affection, give me some attention. Clinging to the heat, the small fire beckons you to go forth.

I actually got ripped off three quid. Teaches me. Try and relax, cool off the stress they say. But this leads to idleness and hunger, and filling up on the wrong kind of things. I see she has similar problems to I, I am slightly relieved there is someone else. Except she's getting help and I'm not. I never seem to want to move on from you, I never ever do. It's something I just don't imagine happening in my lifetime. I keep wanting to contact you, send you naked pictures if you'll talk. But I doubt you would even if I did. You probably call me a whore now, you probably listen to them and see me as evil. I bet you never even think of me; it claims you are single but I claim you are a player in the field and the field is World Wide. Plus side, I got to download most of Blip Blip Bleep's album in £10 worth of vouchers. Still got like £15 left on it.

She did mention to me that February (in my opinion December, January and February) are the worst months, full of death, coldness and crappy bullshit from so called 'people.' I just can't wait for life to be over.

There are ghosts everywhere.

I can't come to terms with losing you; I mean, every single day you are in my thoughts, my deepest desires. If only I had one more chance to talk to you, all of the words I could say, that I need to say. I keep wanting to try one last attempt but, to be honest, I've never regained my strength. I'm a mess, all cut apart; the cuts are jagged fragments of who I used to be. Whom I'll never be again. I don't like being in this limbo, I want to try and talk to you but somehow you are unreachable. I can't fight to stay in your life, I can't even fight to stay alive. Every day is one endless stretch of icy cold winter. Snow falling, upon snow. Thick, heavy and giving that stinging sensation every time there is contact to any form of solution reminding me I'm stuck here for a long time to come.

I remember watching The Sixth Sense when I was way too young, and kind of wanting to believe in the notion that when it was cold; the air you breathed out was the sensation that a ghost was around you. I used to purposefully breathe out a lot (maybe in hope that someone was there for me?) and make believe there were ghosts everywhere. It's always cold enough to pretend some other reality. I didn't want to watch that movie again after the first couple of times of viewing. It creeped me out.

Another mostly wasted day, I just can't seem to keep it together long enough to be able to do anything important. It's meant to snow, and I don't see that encouraging my mood to change, or for me to even go out. I think it's time I started self-medicating.

I know the ghosts of memory are waging wars inside your mind.

You put the needs of others first so that they will give you their love.

be not so fearful now my love
I'll come and cover you with wings
be not so anxious all the time
listen to how the highway sings
just walk with me into the light
you will be fine

I know the walls are closing in
I know your heart is in your throat
under the blue tv screen light
into a new dream we shall float
leave all those books upon your shelf
there is no need for certainty
the answers come when you embrace the mystery

you move so fast
just take it slow

my love will follow you wherever you may go
my love will follow you wherever you may go

you're up against the yellow lines
and you've been holding on so tight
when all your dreams went up in smoke
you stumbled out into the night
and you've been running all the time
your troubles follow you around
and all the people that you meet just bring you down

be not so fearful now my love
I'll come and cover you with wings
be not so anxious all the time
listen to how the highway sings
I know the ghosts of memory
are waging wars inside your mind
just walk with me into the light
you will be fine.

Combat baby, come back baby.

Hell's freezing over, come back tomorrow.

Another month begins; actually a pretty busy one. I have three assignment type things to juggle, revision to crack on with, on top of finding work and just generally keeping it together. I went and saw the house again today, told them they'd done a great job of moving things around; we chatted for a while, mentioned the other places 20 minutes out and then it was just general niceness. S was just awake, I think. And then N was just doing work. They didn't want to come ice skating, so I didn't end up going on my own or anything. I think they're desperate enough to give up one of their rooms or they'll be having to search for another place. It's nice-ish, the only downside is the main road in terms of location. Don't know the area that well either, and there'll be students around a lot I suppose. Good distance and they aren't bad themselves. However, the bathroom is tiny and downstairs and it led on from the kitchen which can barely fit one person in. It's just awkward I guess. Plus apparently they all cook together, ahaha. It would just stress me out.

I actually started working on this interactive board game thing, it was amusing playing child's games again. Looked into job searches too, with little luck. There's something about working with some school kids in summer and being an assistant to activities, paid. Sounds alright. The rest of my evening wasn't too bad. I ended up just moping about online and apparently this is what I may end up wearing as a bridesmaid. It's alright, except I'd need at least one strap to hold up my breastage.

It was annoying though, I tried to ring up my aunt to see if she can give me a lift on Sunday, but she said she'd ring back later. I was nearly ready for my shower when my parents in-fucking-convieniently called. Dad kept going on and on several times about how it would be good for me to take the house and so did mother. And mostly it was my dad just fumbling for words as he was distracted by eating. I wanted to just fucking kick the wall or something, and just go get warm from a shower. I'd had a call whilst I was on the phone to the prattling father, a call back from my aunt to sort things out I'd hoped. But then I texted them saying I was free, and I ended up having to call them almost two hours later! By then i'd cursed a dozen times, and gone and had my shower which thankfully made me feel better. I then preceded to surf the interwebs and rant at my unlucky chosen friend (Mark.) I ended up calling and apparently we're on for 9am on Sunday, and the fucking cheek of the woman wanting me to go back to Manchester just so she doesn't have to spend another 40 minutes diverting through here to collect me. Bit selfish 'cause I'm not even needed till at least 11-12. I told her beforehand I'd have tons of work, selfish cow. Then I had a tiny freakout at my cousin, which was very subtle. Basically I have come to the conclusion that all this stress is basically a load of nonsense since I'm more than likely not going to be able to make it unless S picks me up on her way down. I never wanted to go in the first place, I was just doing it for her benefit and to be included in something for once. Oh well, never expected anything less.

Anyway, tomorrow awaits. (Oh fun.) Plus I think I have lost Mark's interest at last, kind of both a happy and sad moment.

The cold is in your veins.

The frosty mornings, hazy days, the bitter cold biting at my skin. It creeps up so suddenly, infiltrating my lungs and the chill getting to the core of my body. It hardens my ability to cry, but when teased and tried by the pangs of guilt and idleness, the flow is endless. The salty, warm flow touches cool and crisp flesh and suddenly it's likeable. This sadness is everlasting, may as well fit the role perfectly. More food, less work, more sadness. Guilt, guilt, depression, guilt. I don't know if this will ever end. It's cold and I miss you, I can't stand either of those things. I'm hoping the weather changes soon and with it my mood, bringing hope and action. Or something a bit more fun.

Today was mostly wasted, only got one lot of notes done. Not much else. I'm tired of the fact that sadness is all I am.

When in doubt, go forward.

It's such a shame that we've become a selfish society - individuals out for themselves, everyone on their own. No collective coming togethers, not much community spirit. They say things are improving, but they've really just tried to cover up what they have destroyed. No one tends to know the real ones you can trust from the fakes, no one is there for anyone. It's been a terrible day, except for a slight social aspect. It's been freezing, the iciest cold that gets to your lungs. I can feel my heart hardening and my face unable to move from the constant sadness it portrays. I tried not to cry, but Birdsong struck my heart; a story from years ago, something never forgotten. I wonder what David would have to say about the BBC drama.

I miss him, I cannot say anymore.

re: stack.

I listened to Bon Iver's re: stack on repeat today. There's something in sadness that makes you happy; more free and light. I did a tiny amount of work, got some dissertation topics down and I actually discussed them with Mark and narrowed them down to two. Next is to literature search and find a method stable and questions unanswered. I just hope this 'wasted' time isn't going to cost me later. I have a plan to get back on track at least, though. It was even colder than yesterday, and I shivered my way to get my train tickets - though it was a lovely break from the house. I just can't stand the cold, I want to curl up under covers and never see the light of the shorter days. I want it to be over, I ache for warmth and smiles.

Days like this seem just a blur, with an exception of reminiscence with Birdsong.

Some days productive, others not so much.

So I thought after the positive step yesterday, today may be a follow up, especially since I had to get up earlier for the landlord. Turns out I just managed a few sparse comments to him, my cupboard door being fixed, setting up appointments for my hair/trial and sitting around doing nothing much. I discovered that I had already started revising in October, so I tried to find my place in my notes and that took a while. I guess my excuse (which is valid) is that it's freezing & I find myself addicted to Doritos and various other forms of junk food, plus hugging the heater. Everything sucks with the cold, I just can't stand it; never have and never will. I'm hoping there's only a month (if that) left of the harshness that is winter in this country. Other than that, the internet has been randomly resetting itself and I hope it doesn't continue. Need to get work done, bring the hoover up & dust and maybe try and collect train tickets before it snows. Next weekend will be busy, and i'm also trying on dresses from Monsoon.

[side note - jenny packham spring collection is coming to debenhams soon!]

Perhaps tomorrow is another day?

I wish I had a friendship like theirs.

I am ashamed to admit that 'Enders made me cry today. I just want someone to have a proper laugh with; giggle like little girls and eat tons of ice cream and have movie marathons. I want challenges at games/videogames, to discuss music and books and boys. I want sleepovers and debates on highly intellectual and current topics. I'd like to learn a lot from this potential person, and maybe integrate some normality in my life. Go out to meals, on shopping sprees and explore new places from road trips. I want to be held in my worst times; a good chat, nice cuddle and some hot chocolate made for me. Always reciprocated of course. Bad breakups and happy occasions; through the thick and thin of it all. I want play fights and disagreements because everything can't be perfect always. Different opinions but always relating to and accepting each other. Trying on different clothes together and styling each other, all the little make up tips and adventurous things to do. Getting nails done and being pampered together, ordering pizza and pushing each other on the swings on summer picnics. Helping each other solve problems, and being supportive no matter what. Encouraging and advising, learning and knowing. Knowing someone will be there forever, no matter the distance or the fights. And all I need is one person to do all of this with. Why can't this come true?

Anyway, today has been productive. I got up and was out by 12, got food for the next week or so and then sorted out some cleaning. It definitley made me feel well accomplished. I sat and did notes/read chapters. So I'm actually getting on with it and it feels good. I just hope I can keep it up. Firmed up some plans for next weekend - and all will be okay (I hope.) Landlord is visiting tomorrow, hopefully I can avoid him for the most part. I plan to get on with revision tomorrow, as well as figure out this dissertation stuff. Back to some relaxation and then sleep, I guess.

I like the way you don't give up, although I tell you otherwise.

Everything is brighter but darker at once.

9 am start which I wasn't so happy about - especially when all we did was watch Child Of Our Time and answer a question sheet on which we didn't even go through. It felt good with Anthony though, we were just chatting like actual normal people. It made me miss life, or what I thought I had of it. Day went by and I start getting these abdomnial cramps every so often (since yesterday.) The more we interact and learn from others, the better for us and everyone around us. I need to start eating healthily again, I just want some comfort though. Whatever I seek, I'll never find though. His face isn't quite fading away yet, his name - the pain is always intense. I'm always tired and cold and in need of love. But i'll never have it. How can the concious memories change if they never go away? No matter how hard you try or how much effort you put into everything else? They are always there. The last thing at night, the encounters in dreams, the dayscapes and everything in between. I keep wondering how I can conciously remember all of the traumatic things that have happened to me and around me, but I will never know if there's anything i've got in the unconcious. I've pretty much accepted the concious and it scares me to think I may never be okay because of things I do not remember. Maybe hypnotherapy sounds alright after all..

We're back to qualitative now. I'm trying to get on top of things but I hope my moods don't drag me down. I started feeling quite alone, and I also overheard the reason why Luke was sat on his own is because Arthur doesn't get along with him. Surprised. Got home around 4 and basically did nothing. Not been feeling great. In fact, shit would sum it all up. I just want to get away from here. Now.

Wilfred was a small burning lamp today for me though. I wasn't expecting to get into a massive hour long conversation with him, I just wanted to know more about him. He seems to be a lot like I - and he's not a bad person at all. It was interesting to see what he thought about the cliques and stuffs. Hopefully there's a friendship in there somewhere?

The future is not far, in fact, it's tomorrow.

Had a developmental lecture today.

Also started thinking about our dissertation. It is really scary stuff. The fact that we change and grow and evolve. I keep wishing and hoping that the part of me everyone fell in love with comes back soon. People think it will, but i'm not so sure. And who am I without the girl I used to be?

On another note, I handed in my work for the deadline - I never read through it when my brain was perfectly functioning but hopefully I'll pass it. Bill paid via cheque and now I just have a few days to start revision, get some food in and carry on worrying about the next deadline in just over 3 weeks. I've heard something about bridesmaid dresses being ordered from Monsoon so we can try them in two weeks. Apparently they are off one shoulder and still kind of a coral colour. Well, i'll see. I've got myself roped into visiting family for 2-3 hours (I hope to fuck that they don't waste my whole day.) It's very annoying how one wedding can throw family in my face.


Ask yourself if what you’re doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow.

Life is like a marathon, or wait, was it a rollercoaster?

Now that i'm suppressing my feelings, my entries are mainly only going to be about the normal humdrum. I have a lot of work to do/read/plan and revise. I have to fit in volunteering and find paid work. Everything seems like a long stretch and there are many hurdles ahead. I used to detest athletics at school, but maybe that's what life is. A chance to prance about in shorts that look like underpants and die of embarrassment. No, kidding. But basically, it's all about every small race/task looking like a long road ahead and then you achieve that one task & it doesn't make you feel okay because there's the next race, the relay. It's all about sprinting and gliding to that first. All the while emotions are everywhere, they go up and down just like the ride you are on. Hills and corners, climbs and falls. I wonder if any of this seems irrelevant one day?

Let's hope so.

Brown and purple.

The day was pretty much alright. Workshop was fine, apparently we're doing qualitative right up to the end of semester. I think the main change is that I'm going to have longer days with less time in between lectures and things, but it's good in that I get them all out of the way and then get to come home. I have discovered I have Tuesday's and Friday's off and I'm going to try and get a Wednesday workshop slot for CRM. Other than that, life is shitty. Haven't managed to do any work and I've only got the whole of tomorrow to finish it all. I have accounted for the fact that Intro's and discussions take forever. Ehh, tomorrow will be hell. I can't let myself be distracted though.

On the plus side, I watched Catfish and it made me feel comfortable, and also, I have one bruise and another faint small one on my hand (why is that positive?)

Vulnerability, change, moving on.

The morning started something along the lines of being stuck in cage with a predator (such as the eagle) who wouldn't backed down until I gave in. And I did. It was frightening. Feelings of uneasiness and sadness plagued me throughout the day as I attempted to start packing again, ready to ship myself away for months. I couldn't fit it all in right and it frustrated me to no end. This day signifies the end of the comfortable ride and the beginning of many months (up to over a year) of torture and change and challenges. It's going to go by so quickly I just don't know how to really try and keep it all in check. I still have half a report to write for Wednesday, bearing in mind tomorrow I won't be home from 9-4 and Tuesday's the only day really. I always have tried to avoid this for as long as I possibly could - but in this instance it seems I have to do the last minute rush job.

Anyway, I have had an exhausting journey & I will be covered in a few bruises by morning..

This is how you could live, this is how it could be.

Today was amazing, very indescribeable; almost surreal. Started out early heading to M/cr & went around from Printworks looking at random Bridal wear stores. Didn't find much, except two gorgeous coral bridesmaid dresses (pretty simple in style, but with some embroidery) and a potential wedding dress. It's just for the registry. From BHS to M&S to House of Fraser and so many places in between, it was good to feel alive in the city again. I loved being a city girl for the day, along with one of the most fitting brides in a dress. She looked absolutely amazing in everything!! Unfair. Also, I figured I should eat Subway more instead of sandwiches from local shops seeing as it's fresher and whatnot. Quick lunch on the go, loads of stories/debates/lists/looking at tiaras and other accessories. Finally found a 21st present that I love (three golden chain and ring.) Man, it felt good.

You're always working on it.

I wish I could succumb to you, to the way you make me feel and the way you hold me up high. In your eyes I am like a goddess (you call me your Venus -- desire.) A lot of this is unhealthy, especially considering how it will all end. But you never give up hope, and it makes me wonder why i'm in such demand. I haven't got much work done, and i'm off on a wedding dress/bridesmaids dress shopping trip to town tomorrow. She was thinking coral colours, but ew I don't think I'd look good in that. Also light blue washes me out. Hopefully it won't take the whole day, or else I think this is gonna be a last minute affair of work, unfortunately. Stressful :/

(also much of today was spent shopping, gaining a new housemate and bumping into people I would have not liked to. This place sucks.)

'cause loves a drug but the the drug won't take me higher.

Nostalgia.

I had a largely reminiscent day. I don't know how, but I ended up looking on my former high school's newly formed web page. It had so many things on it, I decided to procrastinate from my work and read a lot of it. I ended up remembering teachers I'd forgotten and remembering teachers I had not! That place held the best and worst years of my life. In hindsight, they were easier days but also; they were the darker days. At least I have a little bit of hope now. Just the rest of life, and my dysfunctions have gotten harder. I like the web TV channel they've setup in the past few months, apparently last year they did Strictly Come Hulme where stars from the series took time out to train up teachers for a competition for charity. Ingenious. Plus Mr. Langdon looked old, yet he apparently won! Still has the charm, I'm guessing. A lot of the teachers are leaving/have left that were there when I was. I'm surprised they kept on Mrs. Bibby though! Oh yeah, Mr. Bibby died last November :|

Everything felt better then. Mark thinks i'm asexual, but I like the idea of sex and I am a sexual being. I just don't like intimacy and getting close to others. I'm surprised I revealed so much to him... Scary stuff. Well, other than said things I did quite a bit of work (yet not at all enough.) Intro, results and discussion left to do. With shopping from tomorrow, I'm hoping I can get most done. It's not all bad though, found out I provisionally have Tuesday's and Friday's off!