The honeymoon is over, the novelty got older.

Blip blip bleep day, my heart and lungs take gasps in bounds to keep functioning. It's like a bitterness and I can't breathe. Most of the day was spent sat feeling sorry for myself and procrastinating. I don't understand how to move forwards when all I do is try and attempt work. Chris says to just keep relaxing and it will work itself out. I don't know, I hate right now. At least the snow's cleared up and well, it's only a few more days until my weekend.

i try, and i try, and i try to remain positive and stay focused on the important things in life, and i always try so hard to be happy. but every once in a while, the fact that i have no friends really gets me down. sure, i have people who i know and people i’ll see out and about and say hello, i’ve got two or three friends who i go out with on a saturday night, i’ve got people i talk to online, i’ve got people i talk to at uni and i’ve got my housemates…but i don’t have anybody significant. i don’t have people who genuinely just want to hang out, because they enjoy being in my company, or anyone who’ll just come and watch movies, or go shopping with, or just be stupid with, or anyone at all that i can talk to about how horrible i feel. it just dawns on me how pathetic it is, that i’m twenty one years old and i am sat in my bed crying my eyes out because i am so fucking lonely. i know people think it’s my fault, i know they think i don’t help myself…i know the conversations people have about me when they think i’m not listening. the truth is, i dont know how to make friends. i dont know how to be around people. people dont get my sense of humour, and to be honest….people really get on my nerves. i dont know if i say that as some sort of shield to make people think there’s a reason i dont have friends. or if i say it because it’s true. i get such bad anxiety around people that it actually destroys any chance i have of making friends. i get too scared to leave my bedroom incase i bump into one of my housemates and i have to make conversation with them. sometimes, the thought of being round people makes me feel physically sick and i have to sit in my bed, with the lights off, in the silence until i calm down.

this is gay as fuck but i am sick and tired of not having a single decent friend. it’s no fun being happy when you don’t have anyone to share it with.