Just because we can't be together, doesn't mean I won't always love you.

GG really makes me cry. It makes me wonder if you left because you think I deserve better, and you want me to move on. I really need to hear the words from you again and try to understand. I want to, well, I need to know if you'll always have love for me or if you were really, truly just using me. Does it hurt when you think of me, or have you moved on?

The day was alright, got a scary jolt of reality and how I may never be able to pass this research project. I have to keep up the relationship and communicate well with my supervisor, and I'm not sure if I'm even allowed to go to more than one person. I can't even communicate with anyone or keep up a repetoire with a single soul so there goes my chances. Unless I get help over the summer, and I keep going back to that idea..

I handed in my coursework, it actually sounds like I may have gone overboard with references because people have done more, but not as quite as much as me :/ And CRM sounds like it's planned and i'm gaining sources for evidence. So, yeah, all in all it's going okay-ish. The highlight of today was really eating pizza and having root beer, finishing one quest on sims social and watching The Lying Game and GG. H&A too, of course. And i'm looking forward to a long sought after marathon of Ringer at the weekend. Let's hope it's not too painful.

Just keep following the heartlines on your hand.

Just got to keep on keeping on. I managed to do some work today, though not as much as I'd hoped. Honestly, the sims social is just too addictive. I really think I have an addictive personality. Anyway, I even did a lovely little drawing too. I had a nice chat with John and Wilf today, and apparently Wilf is going back to his hometown for two weeks. Also, I found out that Warwick uni finish on the 16th March for Easter and have almost 5 weeks off; like wtf?! I'll just be glad when the stress is over, but i'm not looking forward to the stress of summer, it just isn't like what it used to be. I really hope we can go away for a few days at least, I am in dire extreme need of a break. Tomorrow's CRM workshop is going to be interesting since I haven't prepard. Anyways, GG is playing at my heart strings, Chuck and Dan and that filthy French pig. I wish unconditional love existed. I miss him..

One big last mark.

I had an encouraging yet tiresome day. But I am going to get on top of things and start feeling better, I hope.

All the stars and boulevards.

All in all, it's been a weird and long and good day; nostalgic in parts, dreamy in others and hard work in most. I have finished my 241 coursework though i'm not sure to what standard.

I walked in the sun to get tickets, got my milk, got my work done and stuffed my face.

Anyway, tired.

Livin' in a dreamworld.

The warm sun, blue skies and a lot of daydreaming. I researched mainly, so at least I did something. It's basically going to be a mad rush tomorrow sprucing it all up and writing it all out and that dreaded drawing. Also got to buy some milk/maybe biscuits and go and collect train tickets. I hope the weather is warmer and stays sunny. I literally perched on my suitcase near the window and sat in the glorifying sun for hours this afternoon. I've stuffed myself with food though; crisps, chocolate, cookies, sweets, more chocolate.. Ugh. I did do a tiny bit of stepping again but nowhere near as much as yesterday. I've been feeling a bit bleh too. Mum was like SJ's uncle's passed on and you must send him a text to show you're sorry, it's something you have to start doing blah blah blah. I hate the guy, so no way. I am sorry he's lost someone, I'd never like to lose someone so yeah. But i'm not going to give him my number, especially with what he did with my old sim & I'm also not gonna put myself under his radar again.

Anyway, had lovely tomato and basil pasta with my root beer, and it was fun talking to them on the phone for an hour. I often wonder how people live out there whilst I'm stuck indoors. I just wish I were capable, that's all. Enough to move to the other side of the world and start fresh. It's something I need to do if I want to continue to live/exist.

Rilo Kiley's Dreamworld's stuck in my head, because that's where my mind seems to be the most.

Now afraid the story of free from love to a lie.
The clover under your feet is shooting stars in the night.
The people under your feet are shooting stars in the night.
The people, all that you meet.

They're living in a dreamworld.
You're livin' in a dreamworld.

You should be wilder, you're no fun at all.

Working out feels good, and my buttocks actually feel achy. Good music and i'm getting on with work. I actually wish we got to design toys and present them in poster format more often. The weather definitely makes a difference :)

So today was a largely productive day, I've only got 2 slides left and some others to add to and tweak. And then my god awful drawing, I guess. I'm really tired though, woke up before 9 and got up soon after and it's been a mostly working day but I'm glad. Earlier, Wilfred asked me in a weird way if I have many friends and I told him that this was the only weekend I get to finish my work so I don't have time. Bloody 'ell he made me feel all kbdfhj.

Watching 'Enders, I really hope Max doesn't take the forbidden fruit, again. Especially his brother's ex! Ahh. Anyways, I love Cadbury's Trifles and I am tired. Now I am off.

Votre fabuleux destin.

My heart is light, there are blue skies and the warming sun makes me smile. I woke up feeling refreshed, renewed and different. Like something had unconciously clicked in my sleep. A fresh outlook, a positive expression, a readiness for life again. Although it was grey and looked like it had rained, I was calm in my approach to everything. There is some renewed strength, I guess. So I got some pretty helpful tips and things for revision and poster ideas. Spent time talking with Pia and it was all good. It was mainly social today for me, chatting away and presenting. Saj even showed up for the 242 revision lecture. I am now clear on the poster, and I am quite in love with developmental stuff. We got this talk on studying a year abroad next year, in places like Spain and Italy etc. Sounds good in theory, and it's only 80 credits worth of modules; and you don't even have to pass. Shame that time is not on my side, and neither is mental health. So anyhow, Ian Hulme seemed a lot nicer in the lecture today, and then I just got home, relaxed and listened to Jean-Pierre Jeunet and caught up on things. It's been a lovely day overall, and i've got my mac'n'cheese and cadbury's trifle to look forward to! Then the hard work starts tomorrow..

You're haunting me.

It's been said you should love yourself before anyone else can love you. I really don't understand myself, and how I have become this way. Largely a really low and pointless day; 7am for a ten minute lecture?! Also the internets wouldn't work at uni and then 246PY was boring rehash. They have taken my bus stop away, so tomorrow I shall have to go all the way to the bus station and find out my alternatives, there site online is honestly useless. Also, none of these changes are meant to occur until Sunday so I have no clue why the fucking council is being gay. I am calm, largely now. I've just got to focus, Mark's having time away to suppress his feelings for me, and I have a deadline a week today so I basically need to get it done this weekend anyway. I feel like being better already, I just need to be able to reach out; see how others see me, start liking myself and understanding myself and then it'll get better a step at a time. I just need one big breakthrough.

Walking with our eyes through the sky on a tightrope wire.

Love is a drug but the drug won't take me higher.

That Darn Cat!

If only life were like a 1960s American movie. Life was so much simpler then, and nice and less sexualised.
I caught up with Becky Holden today; like woah.

Like lightning.

The sun is out although there is still a chill in the air. The tranisent bright white clouds against a pale (almost) sky blue background. I am getting somewhere in fading small steps.

THREE WAYS I AM STILL A KID:

1. I crave attention/affection.

2. I get lost in my imagination.

3. The past never really leaves me.

THREE WAYS I AM ALREADY OLD:

1. "I am twenty and I am already exhausted."

2. I feel like my life is just passing me by and I can't do a thing about it.

3. My heart is heavy and dark.

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO:

1. Firstly, get better.

2. Secondly, get out of this country.

3. Thirdly, start living.

THREE WAYS THAT I'M A STEREOTYPICAL "GIRL":

1. I like pretty things.

2. I have moods.

3. I like to paint my nails.

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:

1. Get fit.

2. Be on a healthy diet.

3. Learn to love myself, or at least accept myself.

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:

1. My kindness.

2. My teeth.

3. My wanderlust.

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:

1. Thighs.

2. Belly.

3. Weak will power.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:

1. British.

2. Italian.

3. (...American in heart and soul)

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:

1. Growing old.

2. Being alone.

3. Losing out/not living.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:

1. Water.

2. Laptop.

3. Perfume.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:

1. Smile.

2. Hands/arms.

3. Hair.

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:

1. Grow taller.

2. Get thin.

3. Stop worrying.

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:

1. Artist of some sort.

2. Writer.

3. Psychologist.

THREE THINGS THAT CROSS YOUR MIND A LOT:

1. Self-hatred, inadequacy.

2. Hunger.

3. Things I want or could be doing.

THREE SONGS THAT MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU:

1. Sleeping Sickness, City & Colour.

2. Dark Paradise, Lana Del Rey.

3. Watch The Sky, Something Corporate.

THREE THINGS IN YOUR BAG:

1. Brolly.

2. Notebook.

3. Pens.

THREE CONFESSIONS:

1. Though I don't want to, I still want you in my life.

2. Growing older terrifies me.

3. Sometimes I wish I couldn't dream.

Stay with me.

Really depressing day. I managed to force some work in but it was no where near enough. Especially since tomorrow access to journals will be near impossible to 5pm and I really need to work on 241 research/theory and 246 project planning. Also, I found out that Charlotte Venables was the one who dobbed into Ian Hume. Very odd; I didn't take her up for an ass kissing psycho. Although she is odd. Anyways, this is becoming pointless so I will resign.

If being sad burnt calories, I probably wouldn’t exist. Tonight I just feel like crying. I'm actually so sad that I feel nauseous.

It's the way you smile away your sorrows.

“Time was passing like a hand waving from a train I wanted to be on. I hope you never have to think about anything as much as I think about you.” — Jonathan Safran Foer

“Unfortunately, the clock is ticking, the hours are going by. The past increases, the future recedes. Possibilities decreasing, regrets mounting.” — Haruki Murakami

Every time I breathe it hurts my heart. I want to know you more, to talk you but you're never around. I wonder what you think of me, whether you want to use me or if it's something more. I guess I'll never know.

I'm permanently black and blue for you.

I want to ask you all of these things, like do you truly believe in love. And what could come of us; would it only be temporary, or since you are looking to settle down soon perhaps it will be more? This latter concept scares me to no end, I just can't imagine it happening. But I want to be close to people, that's the sad thing about it. I think I've grown way too protective of my heart and mind, I don't see any way out really. I wish I were able to keep up with everything everyone does, stay track of it all. I think that's what's wrong about me, that I was built to network; to know many and get along with the majority, but I was never for making connections. I mean, if you really think about it it is pretty impossible to keep up with what many people are doing instead of focusing on the few. But I think I am too selective, I want someone with common interests etc*. That same notion transpires to relationships, and I want someone who I can actually be me around. And you are by some means that person, but we're so very different in most ways.

I had soup and bread today; I am feeling unwell and it seemed appropriate. I just think I need some good rest.

*There's a whole previous post on what I want in a friendship.

You know you only do this to punish yourself.

I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore. Once one day starts, I can't wait for it to finish; I hound myself into keeping awake until I can't take it any longer, then I get a few hours of sleep and carry out my day until about mid afternoon when I just wish time would regurgitate itself and I want all of those mindless hours on autopilot back. The unlikeliness is, is that I feel no guilt or anything at the moment. It's like I have gone back to not feeling; which is a very dangerous place to be in. I need to care, I need someone to care for me. Looking at the Sasha storyline, I'm glad I still haven't given in to you; because I don't trust you, because you're not right for me, because I'm too messed up for you, and because once I get into you I won't be able to control it at all. I know you don't care so much, or feel anything other than lust. Sometimes I think i'm your protogé, other times I just think I'm no one to you. I don't understand this at all.

Lately I am rubbish at replying/sending anything to anyone. I currently have three messages and two emails to send. Plus a truckload of work, which means that this weekend must be productive or else I am properly screwed. Also, today; I lost Mark for definite. Ohwells, life goes on I guess.

"But, I'm so mean."

"Mean is okay."

It's just another day of mass consumerism.

A year ago everything was so different; and this time last year I had you. I remember not being happy with you, deciding to let you go the day after V-day but at least I still had you. The following months of your tactical game were surprisingly pleasureable for me. Though once you started that darn job on your birthday, everything went down the drain. I miss you, but I'm trying not to think about you. People say to get on with other activities, try something new and distract myself; keep my mind from wandering on to you. But since I have no life, this proves extremely difficult and I keep imagining ways to get back in touch with you, forcefully because you will have it no other way. I just hope in the month I was informed that you're still single, that you indeed are. I hope you think of me, on days such as this one and miss me to your bones. I really hope I feature in your mind somehow. I don't know the best way to get in touch, but one day, once there is less stress; I know I will. This isn't going away.

Burning through the lining.

It's that day of the week already, apparently. I feel utterly shit from the lack of sleep and the fact I am alone. It's tomorrow, and I don't want it to be tomorrow. I remember about 8 years ago now, the text I recieved. I was wondering, kept smiling and almost wanted to be hasty in actions such as replying and asking. I remember finding out later in the night and I couldn't stop smiling. I don't think I've been alone for Valentine's for years. It's basically just a consumer's holiday. Nothing special about it, really. I plan to just get on with amounts of work and relaxation starting with a lie-in tomorrow. Everything was pretty usual, coursework continuation and DA actually isn't as easy to carry out. In CRM, I understand why I didn't quite get a first (2 marks off) because David bleeeeeeedin' Baker marked my work. WHYYY. But then we had the lecture, and Graham demanded our respect. He must have been having a really bad day because he accused us of 'twittering' three times; and then when he'd rushed through the lecture, because so many people were packing up he decided to keep us for the last twenty minutes and go on about reflection and being university students and blah blah blah. Not the kind of thing I want on a Monday. Anyway, I'm hoping things go well as most people have started this poster coursework in the past weekend where I was fucking wasting time due to my fucked up family.

Also, I should really edit some previous entries so that they make sense.

Waste of a day, but my head is buzzing.

8 am start, for what?! We didn't leave till 10 & had to return to their house to pick up psycho's pills. Then the car alarm wouldn't shut the fuck up, and the internal lights wouldn't go off. Two hours of a quiet and sicknening car journey, a rush change of clothes and three awkward sisters. None of them really mixed with us, it was just blehh. Wait without peace, did two out of the three notes I wanted to do. Waste, wait, waste. Food was okayish. Got to see some faces. Then headed off to the to-be inlaws and sat, awkwardness; they practically ignored me. It was all about R, and the wedding and bleh. Too many people, too loud, too shitty. Not great. But I got to share the atmosphere & some different food. 5ish, went back and her other cousins had arrived from Northampton, and I was like WTF. So, got left out yet again & they decided to go back to the inlaws again. OMFG, more awkwardness & ended up leaving well after 8. Home, tiredness; stuff all over my bed. 9am start. Fuck that shit. Completely pointless day, in my opinion.

On fire.

Bridesmaid dresses in BHS. Meal with the groom, lasagne & good times.

This car is running empty.

I am a mess of emotions. Sinking deep into despair, frozen by the ice clinging to the headlights. At least I've been travelling and got somewhere with work today. All day I've been getting cut up in pieces by thoughts of him, just wondering if he believed in me and wanted me to do well and be better. I just want to know his motives for no contact; and even if there's a chance to keep him in my life. Let's face it, I've only given up because I gave no energy and the dark is on the brink of spilling out and I won't be able to control it if I do. Sunday is going to be hell. I never wake up at 6, ever. Family is the shittest thing ever. Unless of course you're Ruby and lose your mother. I just can't believe that is how they let her go. I also saw the part where April slept with Heath even though he's at least 8 years older. It got me thinking of giving in to him and just getting it over with. They had a friendship though, they understood small parts of each other, and we don't. Plus I don't think she was even bothered about the emotions. I would become too emotionally involved, even though I don't even want to hear the word relationship. So I really don't know. I've been crying all day, it's probably the hormones but still. I wish someone could get close and love me like

Embrace me for eternity..

Endless train journeys.

The dark seems endless in winter, time; lots of it during train rides. Time to reflect, time to miss, time to enjoy some peace because before not too long there's the busy movement and dreary days. I'm seriously tired by the end of every night yet I almost punish myself to stay awake; stay up for a boy's attention. How very typical of me. I remember the dream of him still so vividly. Laying under a tree, saving me and telling me all of those wonderful things. Words are more than life, they are tools in which evil men lure young girls to bed with. All of those misinformed "I love yous" and subtle flirting hints. Perhaps that's all it was, a way to get under my skin. I'll never know now, at least I doubt I will.

Depressive mothers ignore their children's needs more and therefore affecting their future chances in life, personality and other development, as well as future relationships of course. I just really wish the damage could be reversed, that parents could magically learn these things. I want to be like everyone else a little more, to blend in and feel at ease. I'm tired of living on the edge. I don't remember featuring this yesterday, but I got a first in counselling skills and two marks off a first in CRM. I'm pretty happy, I guess.

I wouldn't mind if we could do this, a little while longer. Chasing time, travelling faster into the distance, into the darkness of the night. Forever and ever this could go on, and I wouldn't mind. Time almost stands still when you are travelling.

Sleep is the best part of waking.

I want to get back to my creative roots. The ones he stole from me, I think need to find a way to come back. I'm slowly grasping onto knowledge (reading in between the lines) that I am better off without him and it is better this way. I just wish I had the chance to communicate that with him, show no hard feelings and all. I've started eating jammie dodgers again, and trying hot chocolate with nutella (gorgeous, by the way.) Not much productivity going on, but I think I am coming forth into my new self.

Lately sleep is all that is worth living for.

Mountain of flowers.

You're quickly becoming a phantom now, I try to feel you by my side and your hand in mine. It used to come naturally, the memory of your touch. But now it seems my imagination is doing most of the work. I feel myself bending towards the attention I'm given, so desperately wanting to give in, but I know it will never be like it was with you. It's like flowers, reaching out towards the light. They only want what makes them grow and live. He does not exist here, with me. But flesh that does not exist will never die and promises made are never unbroken. A mountain of flowers, and you will always be the summit.

(I am secretly convinced there is a strong bond between us, even though he’s seventeen years older than I.)

Monday, Monday, Monday.

I always think of the Tegan & Sara song. I don't largely remember all of the actual wonderful stuff I wanted to write other than I'm glad the snow has cleared, I did some IPA and it's harder than I initally thought so I may have to revert to DA for the coursework. I ended up getting some Jammie Dodgers! Childhood loves and then Graham went through a two hour lecture in just over an hour so we got to leave early. Everything seems to be half-hearted, half done and not even attempted. I want days to be lighter and longer and with more structure. I bear my heart when I'm tired, and I've become attached to two. Most of this won't make sense. PMSing. I don't know.

The honeymoon is over, the novelty got older.

Blip blip bleep day, my heart and lungs take gasps in bounds to keep functioning. It's like a bitterness and I can't breathe. Most of the day was spent sat feeling sorry for myself and procrastinating. I don't understand how to move forwards when all I do is try and attempt work. Chris says to just keep relaxing and it will work itself out. I don't know, I hate right now. At least the snow's cleared up and well, it's only a few more days until my weekend.

i try, and i try, and i try to remain positive and stay focused on the important things in life, and i always try so hard to be happy. but every once in a while, the fact that i have no friends really gets me down. sure, i have people who i know and people i’ll see out and about and say hello, i’ve got two or three friends who i go out with on a saturday night, i’ve got people i talk to online, i’ve got people i talk to at uni and i’ve got my housemates…but i don’t have anybody significant. i don’t have people who genuinely just want to hang out, because they enjoy being in my company, or anyone who’ll just come and watch movies, or go shopping with, or just be stupid with, or anyone at all that i can talk to about how horrible i feel. it just dawns on me how pathetic it is, that i’m twenty one years old and i am sat in my bed crying my eyes out because i am so fucking lonely. i know people think it’s my fault, i know they think i don’t help myself…i know the conversations people have about me when they think i’m not listening. the truth is, i dont know how to make friends. i dont know how to be around people. people dont get my sense of humour, and to be honest….people really get on my nerves. i dont know if i say that as some sort of shield to make people think there’s a reason i dont have friends. or if i say it because it’s true. i get such bad anxiety around people that it actually destroys any chance i have of making friends. i get too scared to leave my bedroom incase i bump into one of my housemates and i have to make conversation with them. sometimes, the thought of being round people makes me feel physically sick and i have to sit in my bed, with the lights off, in the silence until i calm down.

this is gay as fuck but i am sick and tired of not having a single decent friend. it’s no fun being happy when you don’t have anyone to share it with.

Loving you forever can't be wrong, even though you're not here.

There's no you, except in my dreams tonight.

Everything is cold, people are annoying; their chatter, the laughter, the close huddling, cuddling. All I can think of is you and open fires, skin, hands, warmth. The day goes by unnoticed, a little bit of worry and a stab at the heart. Music, a little bit of reading and social skills online make the day go by. I feel slow, stagnant. Iced. The snow follows, masses of masses of white on white on white. Falling, crystallising, superfluous. I want it all to end, to hibernate until the snow melts with the return of Spring. There is a light in my heart that dims every single day. Winter is a constant battle to stay alive. Escape, pretence, sadness and hunger is what it is all about. Being alone, always alone. Everything is lonely. I just want to fall headfirst (heart first?) into you, into anyone who can show me some affection, give me some attention. Clinging to the heat, the small fire beckons you to go forth.

I actually got ripped off three quid. Teaches me. Try and relax, cool off the stress they say. But this leads to idleness and hunger, and filling up on the wrong kind of things. I see she has similar problems to I, I am slightly relieved there is someone else. Except she's getting help and I'm not. I never seem to want to move on from you, I never ever do. It's something I just don't imagine happening in my lifetime. I keep wanting to contact you, send you naked pictures if you'll talk. But I doubt you would even if I did. You probably call me a whore now, you probably listen to them and see me as evil. I bet you never even think of me; it claims you are single but I claim you are a player in the field and the field is World Wide. Plus side, I got to download most of Blip Blip Bleep's album in £10 worth of vouchers. Still got like £15 left on it.

She did mention to me that February (in my opinion December, January and February) are the worst months, full of death, coldness and crappy bullshit from so called 'people.' I just can't wait for life to be over.

There are ghosts everywhere.

I can't come to terms with losing you; I mean, every single day you are in my thoughts, my deepest desires. If only I had one more chance to talk to you, all of the words I could say, that I need to say. I keep wanting to try one last attempt but, to be honest, I've never regained my strength. I'm a mess, all cut apart; the cuts are jagged fragments of who I used to be. Whom I'll never be again. I don't like being in this limbo, I want to try and talk to you but somehow you are unreachable. I can't fight to stay in your life, I can't even fight to stay alive. Every day is one endless stretch of icy cold winter. Snow falling, upon snow. Thick, heavy and giving that stinging sensation every time there is contact to any form of solution reminding me I'm stuck here for a long time to come.

I remember watching The Sixth Sense when I was way too young, and kind of wanting to believe in the notion that when it was cold; the air you breathed out was the sensation that a ghost was around you. I used to purposefully breathe out a lot (maybe in hope that someone was there for me?) and make believe there were ghosts everywhere. It's always cold enough to pretend some other reality. I didn't want to watch that movie again after the first couple of times of viewing. It creeped me out.

Another mostly wasted day, I just can't seem to keep it together long enough to be able to do anything important. It's meant to snow, and I don't see that encouraging my mood to change, or for me to even go out. I think it's time I started self-medicating.

I know the ghosts of memory are waging wars inside your mind.

You put the needs of others first so that they will give you their love.

be not so fearful now my love
I'll come and cover you with wings
be not so anxious all the time
listen to how the highway sings
just walk with me into the light
you will be fine

I know the walls are closing in
I know your heart is in your throat
under the blue tv screen light
into a new dream we shall float
leave all those books upon your shelf
there is no need for certainty
the answers come when you embrace the mystery

you move so fast
just take it slow

my love will follow you wherever you may go
my love will follow you wherever you may go

you're up against the yellow lines
and you've been holding on so tight
when all your dreams went up in smoke
you stumbled out into the night
and you've been running all the time
your troubles follow you around
and all the people that you meet just bring you down

be not so fearful now my love
I'll come and cover you with wings
be not so anxious all the time
listen to how the highway sings
I know the ghosts of memory
are waging wars inside your mind
just walk with me into the light
you will be fine.

Combat baby, come back baby.

Hell's freezing over, come back tomorrow.

Another month begins; actually a pretty busy one. I have three assignment type things to juggle, revision to crack on with, on top of finding work and just generally keeping it together. I went and saw the house again today, told them they'd done a great job of moving things around; we chatted for a while, mentioned the other places 20 minutes out and then it was just general niceness. S was just awake, I think. And then N was just doing work. They didn't want to come ice skating, so I didn't end up going on my own or anything. I think they're desperate enough to give up one of their rooms or they'll be having to search for another place. It's nice-ish, the only downside is the main road in terms of location. Don't know the area that well either, and there'll be students around a lot I suppose. Good distance and they aren't bad themselves. However, the bathroom is tiny and downstairs and it led on from the kitchen which can barely fit one person in. It's just awkward I guess. Plus apparently they all cook together, ahaha. It would just stress me out.

I actually started working on this interactive board game thing, it was amusing playing child's games again. Looked into job searches too, with little luck. There's something about working with some school kids in summer and being an assistant to activities, paid. Sounds alright. The rest of my evening wasn't too bad. I ended up just moping about online and apparently this is what I may end up wearing as a bridesmaid. It's alright, except I'd need at least one strap to hold up my breastage.

It was annoying though, I tried to ring up my aunt to see if she can give me a lift on Sunday, but she said she'd ring back later. I was nearly ready for my shower when my parents in-fucking-convieniently called. Dad kept going on and on several times about how it would be good for me to take the house and so did mother. And mostly it was my dad just fumbling for words as he was distracted by eating. I wanted to just fucking kick the wall or something, and just go get warm from a shower. I'd had a call whilst I was on the phone to the prattling father, a call back from my aunt to sort things out I'd hoped. But then I texted them saying I was free, and I ended up having to call them almost two hours later! By then i'd cursed a dozen times, and gone and had my shower which thankfully made me feel better. I then preceded to surf the interwebs and rant at my unlucky chosen friend (Mark.) I ended up calling and apparently we're on for 9am on Sunday, and the fucking cheek of the woman wanting me to go back to Manchester just so she doesn't have to spend another 40 minutes diverting through here to collect me. Bit selfish 'cause I'm not even needed till at least 11-12. I told her beforehand I'd have tons of work, selfish cow. Then I had a tiny freakout at my cousin, which was very subtle. Basically I have come to the conclusion that all this stress is basically a load of nonsense since I'm more than likely not going to be able to make it unless S picks me up on her way down. I never wanted to go in the first place, I was just doing it for her benefit and to be included in something for once. Oh well, never expected anything less.

Anyway, tomorrow awaits. (Oh fun.) Plus I think I have lost Mark's interest at last, kind of both a happy and sad moment.