I almost wish we were butterflies, and lived but three summer days.

Is this real? Is it true? Is it really you?

Sweet love of mine.

Wish me luck.

Exam tomorrow - i'll be glad when it's over with. If I don't know it by now I'll never know it.

The whole day was quite busy, I was in from nine to about around two. 246 was only an hour, but it's scary how we've got to fill forms in and decide on our project and all. I'm going to miss Kate Walker. In the hour break, I ended up not eating my wraps but stuffing my face with Doritos and Pia and I went to M&S to get a sandwich and pizza for me and then we headed to get something for her. On the way we talked about our family life, and then when we were sat outside the museum again, she started telling me about how crappy her family is as well and that her dad told her the other night that her mother wanted to abort her. Gahh. All of this I bet, is because she was originally thinking of going to see her mother for the first time in Sweden. I feel for her though, she's got it slightly worse off than me. Except she's found a good friend network, meh. She said she hasn't heard from Next yet, so if she has to, she may take her old job back. It was lovely to talk to her and sit in the sun, looking at the Sikh's trying to promote themselves. We had the last ever CRM workshop, and it was both sad and interesting. We watched this documentary on the Italian Mafia and state crime. I ended up asking Graham my question and in person, one to one, he's actually pretty alright. I still judge his earring choice though. Haha. The whole afternoon was spent revising here and there & then just relaxing and trying not to stress about my exam too much. Veronica Mars was sought and I watched the pilot. Everything is nostalgia, ahhh.

Repetitive.

Revision is the same old same old, can't wait to get the exam over with. I've found out we have to choose our options by the end of next week; what even?! Going to look up on the MID first, I reckon. Tomorrow is going to be the last long day of uni, and then that's it really. I hope people are there and it all goes nicely. Got a question for Graham about only being able to fit 4 main points in on our reflection analysis. Also, I was a bit (a lot) pissed off; it smelled of oven chips in the house an hour before I had my lunch. When I went down to put my chips/chicken dippers on there was no sign of my handful or so of chips in the freezer. Obviously the douchebag stole my food. So i've purposefully labelled everything and it's all mostly going to be hidden before I leave. Also, I'm about to have my period so my inner hormonal bitch kicked in for revenge; chucked his bread and a bit of cheesecake in the bin. Then, I went and ate a couple of slices of his swiss roll. Like fuck yeah (: Maybe do a little more damage tomorrow and then we're even. I can't believe he'd do that though, I actually thought he was alright. I've actually got my door locked since early this evening. No trust. Hate being alone in the house with him, although it's nice to have someone around.

Be thankful for everything, be present in everything.

I actually had quite a nice day today. Went to workshop with a little over 6 hours sleep and I was tired, but it was worth going through the revision stuffs and getting questions answered and understanding ANOVAs, finally! Just got to brush up more on regression and things should be good. I then proceeded to go to town with Pia, and it was nice really - we talked about her dad, who apparently wanted to talk to her about something serious; and how she was worried. And we got onto society and how we don't fit in wanting to go out and do drugs and all that jazz and it was really nice. We sat on the open benches near the museum and I stuffed my face with mini cheddars 'cause I didn't want to make a scene with my wraps. But anyway, CRM I was falling asleep almost and it was weird 'cause I know I'm going to miss it when it's over. I also realised it was the last of mine and Pia's hang outs because next week I doubt she'll turn up for everything. I just... kinda love that girl. I'm hoping to maybe meet up with her when the reception happens in Leicester, or if we go that way for a weekend or something.

When I got home (at around 3:30 because we finished early for once!) I stuffed my face with the wraps and then just sank into a slump wondering what to do about the email. It got me into all kinds of emotions and thoughts, but in the end I feel relieved I've sent that reply. Chris says it's honest and comes from the heart, so I hope I get a positive response. I discussed some reflection analysis stuff and I think i'm on my way to having a better handle on that. It's too warm, but it's also chilly. Weird. Oh yeah, can't believe Mike got killed off. What even.

Out of the blue.

An email from you, "Jerry Smith."

Blue skies prevail.

I had a weird day, got loads of revision done and started a lot earlier thankfully. Aurore left around 7 am in a taxi and I've been feeling her absence quite a bit - I guess she's a loud and apparent person. So mostly revision but I got up to 333 words in CRM coursework so it's something at least. I went out to get some milk, still mafting hot outside and I walked in the sun mostly of course. It was a lot of boring otherwise, watched CSI with dinner (pasta with pesto) and then The Lying Game with a Cadbury's Trifle and then BGT. I'm glad for it's return, and the million pound drop is also on again - lots to catch up on; but to focus on my exam prep and coursework first. Also Bright Star is going to be on to watch :) Mark and I have made up and it's all good. I thought he was messing me around like A used to. I miss A and R still though. He will be no substitute.

Last night I had a dream about A. I need to speak with him...

Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

That's basically the phrase of my life right now, everyone leaves and they hurt my heart, and scar it in so many ways and then I have to eventually accept that they're gone for good; escaped whilst they could. It's been mafting hot today though, I managed to get out and walk and it was lovely. Most of the day was spent just trying to do work and not actually getting any done. Saj and I spoke on fb and mentioned that we were both going to try and do 1000 words on the CRM coursework by Monday and see how we've got on Monday. She's probably done more than I have already. Saj actually cropped up in conversation with my mother today, she was like; doesn't anyone ever go out? I was like yeah, but you know.. without me. Nah, I said that Pia lives away and Saj is always around her family so. True stuffs.

Anyways, I actually highlighted and went through all my revision notes but tomorrow I am going to write most of them out again. I think I'm getting the hang of ANOVAs now, and what to look for and which things to check before and after - it's all very systematic really. However, I am still as yet to get to grips with the regression shizz. Hopefully i'll get there. Need to do masses of CRM, just plug in studies and whatnot and think about reflection later I reckon. Anyhow, other than that I listened to a lot of music and then it was almost dinner time (I started work around 3ish after coming back from the supermarket.) Got to watch Wed's 'enders and then The Hitchhicker's Guide to The Galaxy which was alright.

Oh yeah, I confirmed with Laura on my attendance to this poster conference. Eep.

Laredo.

It's been an amazing, sunshine and warm day. The fact I pretended I didn't have workshop in the morning gained me a lie-in (I'd done the work for it on my own on the previous night.) Went to 241 and it was on Intergroup behaviour and prejudice - Doug got us to do this interesting non-communication thing where we were lawyers trying to get the best possible sentence and it was pretty cool. I was smiling. He was also going on about thinking about work experience and applying to places soon :/ I heard Pia before the lecture started; always sat at the back on the other side, no doubt! Anyway, things are nice before Saj's friends turn up 10 or 20 mins late. It was nice to really get stuck in to issues with Saj about work and marking and stuff.

After 241, I went to check that the post box I'd sent my mum's card from was an actual post box. I found out that it was so my card should have got there by now! So I got onto the computers for a bit and sent Estee a message if she's going to the poster conference (as Pia is not) and she is at least going to be there. I know at least 5 others are going so.. Whew!

242 - good chance of seeing Tony Lawrence and imagining a Rich/Russell Brand mashup. Also, Pia was there and she told me that this week's workshop was not the thing I had done the night before; it was on content analysis so I basically need to look at that on my own now, in case it appears in the exam and the majority of people don't cover it. But anyhow, the door of the lecture theatre's glass was kicked in and I think Pia may have done it because she told me she got sacked from Pizza Hut. She was really raving mad about it, and said she'd encourage her boyfriend to smash up the person's car who let her go, and she said he wanted to beat him up. Apparently she was giving attitude (which i'm sure she's quite capable of) and so she's worried about her application with Next going down the drain because her ex boss may not give her a shining reference. But then Charlotte Venables chimed in (so nicely) and gave Pia some ideas of what she could do, as did I. I suggested reporting some of the illegal workers for one, she seemed to like that idea. haha. But yeah, shows i'm good at the whole adult thinking and stuffs.

When I got home, I ended up not doing much and felt bleh. Mark let me know he only needs space for a couple of days so I felt better about things and then other than feeling a bit lonely I just got on with dinner and all that. Watched 'enders and The Apprentices' new series. Was nice.

Confessions of a dangerous mind.

9am lecture was alright, went and collected my developmental poster afterwards and saw that i've been chosen to present mine at the poster conference next friday! I'm so elated and happy for the opportunity, but i'm also nervous about presenting and not being able to answer any questions. People from the local media (newspaper only, hopefully) are going to be there; some vice chancellor of the university and also other students and whatnot. They're picking the top 5 and the first prize is £50, the others just get certificates. I'm hoping (anxiously) that mine lands in the top 5, however my marker did criticise that there were theory slides which looked too busy, and grammatical errors also. It'll be good to put on my CV (and finally i'll have something after high school to put in.) 246PY was scary, talking about getting our supervisor forms in by the 25th May - obviously mine will have to be handed in by the 16th when I leave here. I have a feeling I may need to talk my ideas out with someone... When do I have the time though? :/

But anyway, I'm now clear on the assignment and things will slowly get done - once I have a firm idea in place! The rest of my time at home is just a blur and then I watched Parenthood and Confessions of a dangerous mind online. It sort of reminded me of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Kinda cool. Also, Mark stormed off acting like he was going to leave my life (because he wants me to be with him.. ugh) and so I was pretty sad/depressed.

The bad in each other.

It started out great, did loads of revision notes and got to grips (other than multiple regression) with it all. I sent emails to Ian and Graham, both of which I actually like now - Ian was like, "it's a no to both (thankfully) you don't need to know that for the exam." and Graham was like, "yes, you can use journal articles from anywhere in the world."

Anyhow, I can't get Feist outta my head and the good weather makes me just want to escape and live somewhere far, near the ocean and hide from the world. I kind of made an effort with people on facebook and it was nice to get some response :) Other than that, I went out for a walk after lunch in the warming sun (up to 15 degrees I believe!) and it was nice to be out for a little while. But in terms of my work - it basically became near non-existant. I was trying to find journal articles and some references to actual text when I just got so bogged down in it all that I didn't start writing my CRM. My initial goal was to write the first thousand words by the end of this weekend, but now I think I'm more focusing on getting my revision done. But I must persevere with trying to handle both otherwise a full three thousand words in one go is going to be way too stressful. I was also hoping to finish my TA notes by today, but that's the last thing left now..

So lately i've been monosyllabic with my parents, happened twice today with mum and once with dad. But they know i'm trying to get on with work though; and I'm glad he didn't bring up me calling my grandma! Mum apparently cancelled her April week off and now the whole of May is booked up, damn! She was also worryingly commenting how THEBITCH and her son are thinking of going away when he finishes school for a week, and saying how we/she may tag along. My stomach churns at the thought. Uhm, yeah. Watch 'enders come 9, then this Anti Social Networking programme with Richard Bacon and yeah, the internets is a scary place. But a great one too.

Damn, Africa, what happened?

I couldn't get my shit together at the start of the day, but now I'm feeling slightly better and getting on with things. I think I OD'd on chocolate a little so that may explain some. CRM was good, pretty much everyone was there & Graham was like "shall I just tell you what exactly I want from you in the assignment and make it easy?" and of course he was being sarcastic. I think it's finally clicked on how to do it effectively though. I didn't realise it until she called at 4:45 that my mother had another Monday off work. She'd been sorting out wedding stuffs mostly, and had completed the survey (which I've sent back to Aurore.) There's no way I knew she could think and answer like that though, it was wonderful to peer into her mind on some issues about life (single women.) Other than that, just been trying to attempt Gantt charts and failing, but I figure if I keep at something when I can't do the immediately impending things then at least I'll feel like I've done something and feel better for it.

Just watched a movie called Besieged with Thandie Newton & the ending was annoying, like, why would she dump her husband and sleep with another man on the eve of his return? Bit stupid. But it reminded me of the whole Kony campaign and everything. I don't condone the IC charity, but I do like the awareness that people can save and change the world. But anyway, on the subject of Africa; everyone was arguing on facebook that the exam's now been shifted to the 3rd to fall into the exam period and one person commented on how all the arguing reminded him of the scene in Mean Girls. Ahh, I ended up watching this video and it's the kind of documentaries I love. Eee :) Another two BBC films for me to watch before Sunday too, and I've realised that ITV2 are on par with where I'm at in GG.

I can't make me love you.

I predicted correctly that Ben left today, and soon Aurore will be gone. It's been a drag of a day, even though I got up at 10, after breakfast dad called and said I should speak with mum before she left to go see S getting her hair and makeup trial done this morning - so I was rushed into the obligatory wishing of Mother's Day call. That only lasted no more than 2 minutes and then I was lost for most of the morning. I ended up not doing much, just looking up a dozen articles for CRM coursework and mindless stuff in between. I really hope tomorrow he will say that we can use studies from different countries 'cause there's hardly many from our own. Anyways, after lunch I started to pick up pace with getting more articles and typing the first sentence of my coursework when I decided it was time to dust and hoover and it was all done really successfully. Other than that, I did a few more sentences for the coursework and tried getting onto the revision side of things with little luck. Ended up just having a quick glance at SPSS outputs for ANOVA's to try and understand them, but I'm pissed off with myself for not getting the regression stuffs done.

Tomorrow is the last workshop and i'm still debating whether to go in or not. It's basically going to be maybe half an hour with the logistics stuff and then if I'm lucky she'll just tell me where to look for the ANOVA output, i'm worried that 'cause I haven't prepared the regression stuff that i'll still have questions unanswered :/ But, maybe i'll just turn up late? Mum's been preoccupied all day, got 2 minute conversations with her, and as predicted she started filling Aurore's survey but hasn't finished. Hopefully it'll get done before A leaves. But yeah, just been remembering him and feeling lonely and wishful. I really did try and phone my grandma but I just couldn't. Sometimes i'm really incapable.

So yeah, perfect time to watch GG and basically, like woah. I cannot believe Dan ruined Blair's life by sending in the vid to Gossip Girl, and so Georgina has taken over from GG because she's on the hideout since the car accident thing. And woah on Chuck and Blair's little talk "it has to be on equal terms," jfbsjkdghs. Oh yeah, and I hate Louis and his mother; and I bet someone's going to end up paying the dowry. Blair did a really mature, sensible and selfless thing though; going with Louis and keep up the charade despite everything. Moral of the storyline; choose happiness.

I just wish I could find happiness.

All these things that I've done.

Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out

I got soul, but i'm not a soldier.

The Killers, revision and a trip to the store to get milk, cereal and Nutella. That's all my day has really been. Not sure what else happened, since there are hours unaccounted for. I got up late and was ready for almost 11, so that's another 2 hours just messing about and passing pubs with people already drinking. St. Patrick's mayhem ensuing everywhere, and I wish I could be all happy. Truth is, last night, I really got Mark angry. He misunderstood me telling him that I love him, when what I actually said in response to his question of "do you love me?" was I guess, as much as an ice cold hearted queen can love (which means not at all.) Now it feels like I've badly hurt him, and it's all different from now on I'm guessing. My life sucks, I can't even maintain the friendships I really want/need. Okay anyways, I figured that Ben is leaving soon (maybe tomorrow?) for his 5 weeks, Aurore at the end of the coming week and so it will be both me and Wilf alone. Oh the joy. Haha.

So I managed to do the ANOVA part of revision, though when actually doing it on SPSS I made a huge cockup and I don't get the output still. Hopefully I'll get my head around it in less than 2 weeks, and as my workshop tutor to practically give the answers on Monday. Other than that I need to do all the Regression revision tomorrow, and practicals to it, and then also start on my CRM coursework; see if I can get any more questions out of it to ask Graham on Monday. I really hope she'll check my work on Monday and tell me what I'm doing wrong.

I finally got around to watching DH and then GG! THE WEDDING, OMG. I hatehatehate Louis, and especially his mother going on about marriage being a business deal. ARGH. And the whole Dan/Chuck stuff - like woah. Other than that, I got teary eyed at the whole wedding and set up and it was all so beautiful and the dress was stunning and the place was pretty. Also I loved how B asked Cyrus to walk her down the aisle as well, and love B's mom for getting Chuck there. I STILL do not believe Georgina is GG. I want Kristen Bell, dammit!

Need to get my room hoovered and dusted and then all will be complete. And Mother's Day I am supposed to phone my grandmother. DO NOT FORGET, K.

Paperweight.

I feel renewed, and it's weird. Not completely new, but sort of refreshed; kind of relaxed and I kind of love it. I know I have to appreciate every second of it because soon it will be gone. But I basically woke up at 8ish, slept again until 9:30 and then stayed in bed until just after 10. Then just started tidying up my notes, got them all in order and all filed. The rest of my room was starting to appear clean and then tackled the kitchen. This morning Wilf arrived, and damn, I thought I had one more day without him! But it wasn't too bad. I basically stretched out my day doing nothing much, completed Aurore's survey and started having a look at my CRM but didn't get much further. Also I couldn't bear to tackle my revision so it is left until tomorrow. I really must push myself, okay? So anyways, I started dancing in my room and everything. It is a different day. I found this tinychat with good music, Hilary Duff and stuff and it was all cool. After H&A, tried to do some work but I couldn't really. So just watched 'Enders and The Lying Game and talking to Mark now.

Papercuts, paper cranes.

Uneventful, pointless morning. We spent 10 minutes doing a newspaper exercise on attributions, that was all. That is all I dragged myself there for. And no one really said anything. Fucking hell. Also, I realised just at that moment that I hadn't double spaced my work. I'm really stressing about it, what if the marker refuses to read it or penalises me badly, because it was basically just all words. I might email Ian tomorrow mentioning that i'm stressed about it. Gah. I posted off my mother's day card in the remaining hour and a half and went on the computers to start CRM coursework. Anyways, Narges came and sat next to me in Social as all her beloved crew were busily finishing their assignments. It's funny how she hasn't even looked my way in two months or so and all of a sudden she's sat next to me. But yeah, social is always interesting and there was only about 12 people at the lecture. I basically thought fuck it and went home straight after. No more Tony Lawrence for another 7/8 months at least. He reminds me of someone I'd rather forget anyway; someone who seems to have forgotten me. Uhm yeah, I hope we do actually have another revision quiz lecture next week - it says we do on the module guide!

Other than that, ate lunch and watched the beloved Supernanny; got a lot of stuff done after in terms of cleaning and tidying my room. I've still got piles of notes on the floor though. Just been basically following the posts on the Psychology group on facebook and how our exam is on the 23rd May now (2 weeks after the exam period is meant to be over!) So we're just meant to revise for our exam for 2 months?! Bloody 'ell. I hope they can change the date to earlier for us. I had pizza for dinner, some H&A, CSI and root beer. 'Enders too. And it's weird, it's just gone ten and I feel absolutely exhausted. I may just go to bed and watch The Lying Game tomorrow.

You call me lavender, you call me sunshine.

I finished my work by 9pm and yeah, it's been a long day. Mostly it was just a case of staying tense and getting on with it. I got loads of junk from the pound shop and then Saj and I discussed the assignment in workshop; it's actually put me off qualitative research, this report has. It's just so pedantic and time consuming. Anycase, i'm gonna just go to bed..

Forwards, somehow.

So I sat around kicking myself because I was unable to tackle my work, then all of a sudden after I'd had my dinner, I got a lucky strike and i've managed to do everything to a suitable standard (for me) except for my results section (notably the hardest part because of the explanation and interpretation involved but.. eh.) So yeah, I just wish I could tell when it's one of those days where I can't work until the evening. I hate when I don't understand myself.

Out of reach.

Just watched a movie called The Wackness. Just gets me wishing I could live. I don't know, honestly, how I'm going to get through the rest of my life. Forget all this day by day bullcrap, I don't get my existence at all, and how i'm going to maintain it past next year. I want to give up, always. Because it doesn't get better than this, because that's how we've become on the whole - buying into a fairytale fallacy and each day we grow older it all comes tumbling down on us. It's a way to make humans live I guess, otherwise we'd all just see the truth, the actual sense of life and that, is basically death. Anyhow, I skipped my workshop this morning (ohwells,) and did a bit more work; though on the whole what I have done today has really not been that much. Baby steps, I guess. And then Pia didn't bring her boyfriend into CRM today, so that was a letdown. But I got to talk and discuss work and stuffs with Saj and then yeah. Couldn't find any Time Outs in £1 shop, so I guess i'll get some on Weds along with pizza and junk. Other than that, not much going on really. Got to practically finish my work tomorrow. I feel shitty and sick (I felt almost unable to breathe, like i'd stopped breathing during the night, when I woke up this morning.)

Fifteen.

Well, I managed to accomplish most of my report, except a 1000 words here or there and a lot of adding and taking away and tweaking. I've decided i'm going to miss the workshop on MANOVA and catch up during summer on that one. I can always go and ask someone if i've done it right on my own. It was a lovely day, though. I went out for a fifteen minute walk and it was good to be in the warm sun and gentle breeze, and I hope days like this continue. I'm really going to be stressed the next three weeks or so though, and I may have to cave in and ask someone to visit :/

Eh, I don't know. I'm too tired and I need to relax.

I'm just a little bit tired, I'm just a little bit bored.

I get that you just wanted a nice, normal relationship with me. I guess I've understood that far too late now. You wanted normality, and love, and sharing and fun. But all I did was destroy everything, including myself. I guess it was my personal vendetta against myself, I never meant to hurt you, I only ever wanted to help you. But then, when you cheated and all that, the ways you behaved; I guess I put up that wall and started raging and tearing everything down. I just wish you hadn't started this, I wish we could have peace together. This is all a lot too late now, but I finally understand it. It was never me you were going to end up with, because I am too destructive and I have too many issues and am probably mentally ill. I've got to help myself, and that's all you wanted to see/help me to do, but instead I did the opposite and kept thwarting all attempts to get better, to be better & be how it all used to be. Taking care of you as well as you taking care of me. I just miss you, and I always will. I don't think it's fair that you're not allowing me to move on, because I both want to and need to now.

Today was a complete waste of a day though, it was sunny and warm for a while so I managed to go out for a walk, and I got clothes washed but apart from that I only mustered up a paragraph and I'm basically falling behind. I only have until Tuesday, really and it's massively scaring me now. I haven't given myself any good things today, for lack of deserving them. I need to have incentive to get stuff done and have nice things as rewards. I feel all shitty, and I'm afraid tonight will be much like the last where I cry and hurt and can't sleep until I text someone like Mark to say he's still interested in me. Just to know someone cares and feels things for me. I feel all wrong and I just want to be right, for it all to be right. Someone, please help me.

Sadness personified.

Did I ask you for attention?
When affection is what I need.
Thinking sorrow is perfection,
I'd wallow 'til you told me;
There's no glitter in the gutter,
There's no twilight galaxy.

I got a quarter of my report done today, it's progress but I need to make sure I finish more than half of it tomorrow so then Sunday can be about doing the tedious results section which I feel is going to make or break me - interpreting correctly or incorrectly is the question. I tend to overanalyse things. I went out after I had my lunch to get some food stuffs, and on my return walk back, some crazy numpty shouted out the window 'sket' to me. Like what even?! He does not know one thing.

I started this entry earlier in the morning but I feel okay right now so i'm not going into the whole sadness aspect. I had a day full of uplifting beats and good food (ate half a block of Terry's chocolate orange) and I've been watching The Lying Game and now onto Desperate Housewives before bed. Hopefully I can make a hatrick of good days this weekend (by that, I mean the remaining three days.) Oh yeah, side note; Pia is going to probably bring her boyfriend to CRM on Monday and see how he reacts to Graham. Hahaha, hilarious stuff. And BAM, the second I posted this entry, my new self absorbed neighbours ran out shouting and slamming doors and stuff. Ugh.

Welcome to my life.

Haha, I actually hope you don't read my patheticness on here. I missed out on the UV party. Ugh. Anyhow, it was quite an alright day; talked to Pia loads and it felt pretty normal. We talked on Kony and her ex and even about her cousin who is in an abusive relationship. It was really interesting, and I enjoyed the natter whilst both in workshop and social lecture time. She even came into town to top up my phone with me, and we went into Boots and the pound shop for her to get some stuff for her blisters. We were talking about health and diets and boys and everything. It was really nice to have her around. I actually starved myself a little and went to the computers to do some more IPA extracting. It was kinda annoying that I didn't get to finish, but I went to eat and Pia had already gone home since the stats lecture is nothing about what we need to know for the exam. MANOVA's are shit anyway. I was a little tensed sitting with a big gap between me and others, so when the module evaluation forms were being handed in, I didn't end up handing mine in. Oh wells.

I had great hope I'd at least finish my themes and finding the relevant extracts, but no, I just kept being on the 'net, and apparently Aurore wants me to do some questionnaire and ask my parents to do it as well. I worry she knows. I watched some GG and yeah, that's about it really. I wonder how the celebrations went tonight.

Every door I ever tried was locked.

I am off. I am sunken. I am miserable. I am unable to communicate this. I am every shade of blue, from the sky to the sea; the darkness at night and the piercing bright. I am a spectrum, I am radiant but only some light gets through at some points in time. I want to drive myself forwards, I need more fire, I need more fuel.

After only having had almost 4 hours sleep, I felt unsurprisingly unwell today. Didn't help that the weather was terribly windy and rainy and weird. I want some predictability. I ended up coming home after boring lectures (Saj came halfway through 241 and left before 246 started) and did everything but work. I'm starting to feel a huge pressure now, I may have to skip socialising tomorrow. I don't like it anymore, stress does weird things to me. I ended up going back to bed and finally watching the Kony 2012 video. Although it inspired me and made me cry; Also, here is what I wrote about it on tumblr:

Whilst I agree that Kony needs to be stopped, I also think that this problem has been happening for far too long. It just annoys me that I remember when I was 7, hearing about these so called ‘child armies’ and seeing kids with guns and being told to shoot people. I obviously didn’t understand it fully back then, but I was aware and I wished there was something I could do. Now, all of a sudden people (and ‘forcefully’ governments) seem to be jumping on the bandwagon. It’s funny how politics and money drive the world’s concerns. Little was being done before this mass hysteria because countries that have power had no vested interest. And now it’s only because of the sudden demand. Forget about the right thing or the humane thing, each and every stuck up politician and state deciders and world issue speakers did not care enough. My family and I donate to charities and causes that help vulnerable children such as kids under this regime, we have for a long time and this whole campaign whilst speaks to me, it also annoys me.

Obviously it’s just a zeitgeist. But more of this should happen at a time when it really counts, not when masses have already been lost in the so called ‘secret war.’ It definitely used to be in the news when I was younger.

Rambow Mahanoblis.

I just re-watched Hard Candy on iplayer and screencapped a bit. It's funny how something that was released ages ago predicted a part of my life I could never even imagine would exist. Another wasted day though, these are becoming all too familiar. After the motivational talk from my parents at the weekend, I would have thought things may have picked up a little. I guess I've repressed the darkness for now, but it doesn't mean it's not bursting to come out and shows itself in small, ugly ways. I tried to do the simple themes and find the bits relevant from the extracts, but I only managed a slight amount. So basically I've got it all to do over the weekend. And panic. Also on Thursday, if I can manage I kind of plan to go to this fest thing at uni. Just go out, see some faces, experience some things. It'll be the only real event this year. Well, I guess there was one other.

I really just wish I could go out into the world and explore it. There's just so much out there and I want to get started on travelling again. I already feel like I need to leave here, and it would be great to be a traveller, a nomad. Never worrying, always moving, always searching. But then there would be never finding, never having comfort or security. It's all scary, and I was thinking earlier how if it hadn't been for my parents, I actually wouldn't have gone out and seen the world. I would be like every other Joe Bloggs, and I would have in fact, experienced very little. There's also a new couple (maybe with a baby, i'm not quite sure) who moved in to the rented property next door. Probably first time movers. It just annoys me how they're making noise all day, moving things and talking really loudly and stuff. I hope they don't continue to be an annoyance. They even parked their car illegally on double yellow lines. I really hope that the traffic warden patrols the road this week and fines them/reports them and sends them on their way. I just, I couldn't even put the bin out properly. People are now having to cross at other places along the road and it's all shitty. Fuck off back to wherever you came from, k.

Guilty fattening gluttony.

I've waited hours for this
I've made myself so sick
I wish I'd stayed asleep today
I never thought that this day would end
I never thought that tonight could ever be
This close to me.

I eat and eat, carbs upon carbs and fizzy pop, popcorn and chocolate. I can't stop myself. The smallest things only provide the most temporary comfort. I think the long, hard enduring days are getting to me unconciously. They keep telling me it's only a month more that I have to focus and give it my all. I better listen, just get on with it. Time moves on way too quickly anyway. I really wish it would all just stop. Stop for just a little while so I can just get some help and then get some friends (like life long, sisterhood type friendships) and be able to understand my work/get work experience. That's all, really. I want to become integrated into 'normality.' It's times like this that I wish I could see the way forwards. It's times like this when I wish you were around. I can't be stable without you. Everything revolves/d around you.

Today was alright, however I only got 18/25 for the mock 242 test and I'm pretty worried considering some of the sneaky wordings and the terrifying questions. I really have so much on my hands and I'm getting so stressed. It doesn't help that I need to try and be social this week when they have the whole colour throwing extravaganza. I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through it and get through it well. It was nice speaking to Pia and mother today, and Saj went to her Dr's appt. so she may finally get her hip sorted. Things are finally quiet in the house without Wilf. It's good at the moment. Oh yeah, got to watch Ed Westwick in the Son Of Rambow, haha. It was such a cutesy movie, heartfelt and warm. I want friendship like that. Also, I think it was set in the 80s and I just wish I could be a part of all of those school discos and playing outside and all that. I want to be a kid in those times, it seems so much fun. Also, I now am so into The Cure.

Always there but never here.

I feel like I'm constantly in between places, but never actually anywhere. I feel excluded and shifted about everywhere and I guess I just need something (someone) constant in my life. Like friends and stuff.

I basically did all the housework that I could to help my mother, and then got on with some revision. I honestly have no clue why reading my notes on paper is so much easier than actually applying my knowledge of stats and all that. It's scary as I've not even really started on the coursework and I really am running out of time. Same for CRM, I should have already started the first 1000 words, he said not to leave 3000 words all to the last minute for a reason. I need to take heed. Other than that, just watched Supernanny and had a chat with dad about healthy eating and some shizz whilst having some sweet potatoes. It actually felt all nice, cuddling and eating chocolate and I'd also polished off some créme patisserie French brioche type things with raisins in them. I think I think too much about food.

Hard Candy.

So this day was mainly about getting things done in terms of revision and helping my mother. I managed some, but the rest of the time was in watching an awesome Ellen Page movie. I was already pretty depressed about him that morning and not a terrible lot was being done, the threat of not going anywhere loomed as I had my hair appointment at 1:45. But as my mother chased around a misplaced parcel in town, I got to watch one of the best teen-grooming movies to date. I think Ellen acted so well, and the whole castration scenario and everything she was doing I could so imagine myself doing with Andy. All those times I thought about tieing him up and torturing him; making him get what he deserved. Retribution at its best. I really couldn't stop thinking about him throughout. The movie is on Iplayer and I shall try and watch it once more, uninterrupted. See, at the time, my mother wanted to make me something her dad used to like. She asked me to get the sugar under the stairs and I came back with salt (taste tested.) There was no other bottle of white stuff, so I gave her the only other one there was (which was in a sweetners jar) and she nodded saying yes, that's it only to discover she'd poured a load of salt into the mixture. Screaming and all that, and in a way, it's sad that I'm leaving uni soon because I have all of this to come back to.

No shopping, and I didn't like the way she did my hair (or my eyebrows.) The evening was alright, finished watching Ringer after Prits left. He was being really weird, almost psychosomatic about his skin irritation, thinking he had things crawling/biting him. Also, he was going on about rats in the attic. What even, it was a little worrying. It's nice to be in a familiar place, though. It's just that bit of relaxation and not having to worry about every single thing in the day. In some ways, it will be good to be back.

Ringer.

I am so into tv shows that have twins living each others lives and screwing it all up. Mark is slightly obsessed with me again and it's scaring me. I think I've put on more weight and I can't seem to shake it. P gave me the mess around this morning for my appt. and then I have a hair appt. tomorrow afternoon which almost thwarts the shopping plan. This place, I love being here in a way; it is very strange. I miss the house or the memories, but neither really. Maybe it's just the love and relaxation I get whilst I'm here. Or a little bit of comfort. A nice warm place with lovely bed and shower and sky + tv. I dunno, hugs help. I got work/revision done today but the mock questions seem mostly hard. I've got to do the a3 sheets now, in the morning and hopefully some 242 planning and 201 reading, and other stuff if mum's laptop holds out. I'm hoping she'll retrieve the battery tomorrow and hopefully all will be good. Then sounds like shopping at Trafford?

On my way back home.

Today was lovely, at first it seemed like getting up for 9am was a waste of time, it was cold & there was fog cover absolutely everywhere. I got to do a very lame observation study, and ended up talking to the Polish (?) girl who always wants to sit next to me in workshops. She actually came here on a student visa with her friend, but the real reason was to set up a supermarket/restaurant with her boyfriend. It all sounds so cool. But yeah, Nats also said something to me and I missed it and I didn't speak loud enough so I hope she doesn't think i'm being funny.

Also I got my themes for IPA done and i'm just going to stick to it now. I've got a busy weekend of work, shopping and a load of other things. I hopefully am getting my hair trimmed too. Then I sat with Saj and Social lecture's seem okay. Just a build up on last year, and loads of familiar studies from college. Then just had lunch and messed around, went to revision lecture which I see i'm almost there with my knowledge. Just designs and analysis that I need to brush up on. I really had a good chat with Saj and her friends, and Nats and Dani and people before, felt so included I didn't want today to end. Time just goes by so fast.

Came back, relaxed and sorted things out and now I gotta get the train.