I get that you just wanted a nice, normal relationship with me. I guess I've understood that far too late now. You wanted normality, and love, and sharing and fun. But all I did was destroy everything, including myself. I guess it was my personal vendetta against myself, I never meant to hurt you, I only ever wanted to help you. But then, when you cheated and all that, the ways you behaved; I guess I put up that wall and started raging and tearing everything down. I just wish you hadn't started this, I wish we could have peace together. This is all a lot too late now, but I finally understand it. It was never me you were going to end up with, because I am too destructive and I have too many issues and am probably mentally ill. I've got to help myself, and that's all you wanted to see/help me to do, but instead I did the opposite and kept thwarting all attempts to get better, to be better & be how it all used to be. Taking care of you as well as you taking care of me. I just miss you, and I always will. I don't think it's fair that you're not allowing me to move on, because I both want to and need to now.
Today was a complete waste of a day though, it was sunny and warm for a while so I managed to go out for a walk, and I got clothes washed but apart from that I only mustered up a paragraph and I'm basically falling behind. I only have until Tuesday, really and it's massively scaring me now. I haven't given myself any good things today, for lack of deserving them. I need to have incentive to get stuff done and have nice things as rewards. I feel all shitty, and I'm afraid tonight will be much like the last where I cry and hurt and can't sleep until I text someone like Mark to say he's still interested in me. Just to know someone cares and feels things for me. I feel all wrong and I just want to be right, for it all to be right. Someone, please help me.
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