Everything is brighter but darker at once.

9 am start which I wasn't so happy about - especially when all we did was watch Child Of Our Time and answer a question sheet on which we didn't even go through. It felt good with Anthony though, we were just chatting like actual normal people. It made me miss life, or what I thought I had of it. Day went by and I start getting these abdomnial cramps every so often (since yesterday.) The more we interact and learn from others, the better for us and everyone around us. I need to start eating healthily again, I just want some comfort though. Whatever I seek, I'll never find though. His face isn't quite fading away yet, his name - the pain is always intense. I'm always tired and cold and in need of love. But i'll never have it. How can the concious memories change if they never go away? No matter how hard you try or how much effort you put into everything else? They are always there. The last thing at night, the encounters in dreams, the dayscapes and everything in between. I keep wondering how I can conciously remember all of the traumatic things that have happened to me and around me, but I will never know if there's anything i've got in the unconcious. I've pretty much accepted the concious and it scares me to think I may never be okay because of things I do not remember. Maybe hypnotherapy sounds alright after all..

We're back to qualitative now. I'm trying to get on top of things but I hope my moods don't drag me down. I started feeling quite alone, and I also overheard the reason why Luke was sat on his own is because Arthur doesn't get along with him. Surprised. Got home around 4 and basically did nothing. Not been feeling great. In fact, shit would sum it all up. I just want to get away from here. Now.

Wilfred was a small burning lamp today for me though. I wasn't expecting to get into a massive hour long conversation with him, I just wanted to know more about him. He seems to be a lot like I - and he's not a bad person at all. It was interesting to see what he thought about the cliques and stuffs. Hopefully there's a friendship in there somewhere?