The cold is in your veins.

The frosty mornings, hazy days, the bitter cold biting at my skin. It creeps up so suddenly, infiltrating my lungs and the chill getting to the core of my body. It hardens my ability to cry, but when teased and tried by the pangs of guilt and idleness, the flow is endless. The salty, warm flow touches cool and crisp flesh and suddenly it's likeable. This sadness is everlasting, may as well fit the role perfectly. More food, less work, more sadness. Guilt, guilt, depression, guilt. I don't know if this will ever end. It's cold and I miss you, I can't stand either of those things. I'm hoping the weather changes soon and with it my mood, bringing hope and action. Or something a bit more fun.

Today was mostly wasted, only got one lot of notes done. Not much else. I'm tired of the fact that sadness is all I am.

When in doubt, go forward.

It's such a shame that we've become a selfish society - individuals out for themselves, everyone on their own. No collective coming togethers, not much community spirit. They say things are improving, but they've really just tried to cover up what they have destroyed. No one tends to know the real ones you can trust from the fakes, no one is there for anyone. It's been a terrible day, except for a slight social aspect. It's been freezing, the iciest cold that gets to your lungs. I can feel my heart hardening and my face unable to move from the constant sadness it portrays. I tried not to cry, but Birdsong struck my heart; a story from years ago, something never forgotten. I wonder what David would have to say about the BBC drama.

I miss him, I cannot say anymore.

re: stack.

I listened to Bon Iver's re: stack on repeat today. There's something in sadness that makes you happy; more free and light. I did a tiny amount of work, got some dissertation topics down and I actually discussed them with Mark and narrowed them down to two. Next is to literature search and find a method stable and questions unanswered. I just hope this 'wasted' time isn't going to cost me later. I have a plan to get back on track at least, though. It was even colder than yesterday, and I shivered my way to get my train tickets - though it was a lovely break from the house. I just can't stand the cold, I want to curl up under covers and never see the light of the shorter days. I want it to be over, I ache for warmth and smiles.

Days like this seem just a blur, with an exception of reminiscence with Birdsong.

Some days productive, others not so much.

So I thought after the positive step yesterday, today may be a follow up, especially since I had to get up earlier for the landlord. Turns out I just managed a few sparse comments to him, my cupboard door being fixed, setting up appointments for my hair/trial and sitting around doing nothing much. I discovered that I had already started revising in October, so I tried to find my place in my notes and that took a while. I guess my excuse (which is valid) is that it's freezing & I find myself addicted to Doritos and various other forms of junk food, plus hugging the heater. Everything sucks with the cold, I just can't stand it; never have and never will. I'm hoping there's only a month (if that) left of the harshness that is winter in this country. Other than that, the internet has been randomly resetting itself and I hope it doesn't continue. Need to get work done, bring the hoover up & dust and maybe try and collect train tickets before it snows. Next weekend will be busy, and i'm also trying on dresses from Monsoon.

[side note - jenny packham spring collection is coming to debenhams soon!]

Perhaps tomorrow is another day?

I wish I had a friendship like theirs.

I am ashamed to admit that 'Enders made me cry today. I just want someone to have a proper laugh with; giggle like little girls and eat tons of ice cream and have movie marathons. I want challenges at games/videogames, to discuss music and books and boys. I want sleepovers and debates on highly intellectual and current topics. I'd like to learn a lot from this potential person, and maybe integrate some normality in my life. Go out to meals, on shopping sprees and explore new places from road trips. I want to be held in my worst times; a good chat, nice cuddle and some hot chocolate made for me. Always reciprocated of course. Bad breakups and happy occasions; through the thick and thin of it all. I want play fights and disagreements because everything can't be perfect always. Different opinions but always relating to and accepting each other. Trying on different clothes together and styling each other, all the little make up tips and adventurous things to do. Getting nails done and being pampered together, ordering pizza and pushing each other on the swings on summer picnics. Helping each other solve problems, and being supportive no matter what. Encouraging and advising, learning and knowing. Knowing someone will be there forever, no matter the distance or the fights. And all I need is one person to do all of this with. Why can't this come true?

Anyway, today has been productive. I got up and was out by 12, got food for the next week or so and then sorted out some cleaning. It definitley made me feel well accomplished. I sat and did notes/read chapters. So I'm actually getting on with it and it feels good. I just hope I can keep it up. Firmed up some plans for next weekend - and all will be okay (I hope.) Landlord is visiting tomorrow, hopefully I can avoid him for the most part. I plan to get on with revision tomorrow, as well as figure out this dissertation stuff. Back to some relaxation and then sleep, I guess.

I like the way you don't give up, although I tell you otherwise.

Everything is brighter but darker at once.

9 am start which I wasn't so happy about - especially when all we did was watch Child Of Our Time and answer a question sheet on which we didn't even go through. It felt good with Anthony though, we were just chatting like actual normal people. It made me miss life, or what I thought I had of it. Day went by and I start getting these abdomnial cramps every so often (since yesterday.) The more we interact and learn from others, the better for us and everyone around us. I need to start eating healthily again, I just want some comfort though. Whatever I seek, I'll never find though. His face isn't quite fading away yet, his name - the pain is always intense. I'm always tired and cold and in need of love. But i'll never have it. How can the concious memories change if they never go away? No matter how hard you try or how much effort you put into everything else? They are always there. The last thing at night, the encounters in dreams, the dayscapes and everything in between. I keep wondering how I can conciously remember all of the traumatic things that have happened to me and around me, but I will never know if there's anything i've got in the unconcious. I've pretty much accepted the concious and it scares me to think I may never be okay because of things I do not remember. Maybe hypnotherapy sounds alright after all..

We're back to qualitative now. I'm trying to get on top of things but I hope my moods don't drag me down. I started feeling quite alone, and I also overheard the reason why Luke was sat on his own is because Arthur doesn't get along with him. Surprised. Got home around 4 and basically did nothing. Not been feeling great. In fact, shit would sum it all up. I just want to get away from here. Now.

Wilfred was a small burning lamp today for me though. I wasn't expecting to get into a massive hour long conversation with him, I just wanted to know more about him. He seems to be a lot like I - and he's not a bad person at all. It was interesting to see what he thought about the cliques and stuffs. Hopefully there's a friendship in there somewhere?

The future is not far, in fact, it's tomorrow.

Had a developmental lecture today.

Also started thinking about our dissertation. It is really scary stuff. The fact that we change and grow and evolve. I keep wishing and hoping that the part of me everyone fell in love with comes back soon. People think it will, but i'm not so sure. And who am I without the girl I used to be?

On another note, I handed in my work for the deadline - I never read through it when my brain was perfectly functioning but hopefully I'll pass it. Bill paid via cheque and now I just have a few days to start revision, get some food in and carry on worrying about the next deadline in just over 3 weeks. I've heard something about bridesmaid dresses being ordered from Monsoon so we can try them in two weeks. Apparently they are off one shoulder and still kind of a coral colour. Well, i'll see. I've got myself roped into visiting family for 2-3 hours (I hope to fuck that they don't waste my whole day.) It's very annoying how one wedding can throw family in my face.


Ask yourself if what you’re doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow.

Life is like a marathon, or wait, was it a rollercoaster?

Now that i'm suppressing my feelings, my entries are mainly only going to be about the normal humdrum. I have a lot of work to do/read/plan and revise. I have to fit in volunteering and find paid work. Everything seems like a long stretch and there are many hurdles ahead. I used to detest athletics at school, but maybe that's what life is. A chance to prance about in shorts that look like underpants and die of embarrassment. No, kidding. But basically, it's all about every small race/task looking like a long road ahead and then you achieve that one task & it doesn't make you feel okay because there's the next race, the relay. It's all about sprinting and gliding to that first. All the while emotions are everywhere, they go up and down just like the ride you are on. Hills and corners, climbs and falls. I wonder if any of this seems irrelevant one day?

Let's hope so.

Brown and purple.

The day was pretty much alright. Workshop was fine, apparently we're doing qualitative right up to the end of semester. I think the main change is that I'm going to have longer days with less time in between lectures and things, but it's good in that I get them all out of the way and then get to come home. I have discovered I have Tuesday's and Friday's off and I'm going to try and get a Wednesday workshop slot for CRM. Other than that, life is shitty. Haven't managed to do any work and I've only got the whole of tomorrow to finish it all. I have accounted for the fact that Intro's and discussions take forever. Ehh, tomorrow will be hell. I can't let myself be distracted though.

On the plus side, I watched Catfish and it made me feel comfortable, and also, I have one bruise and another faint small one on my hand (why is that positive?)

Vulnerability, change, moving on.

The morning started something along the lines of being stuck in cage with a predator (such as the eagle) who wouldn't backed down until I gave in. And I did. It was frightening. Feelings of uneasiness and sadness plagued me throughout the day as I attempted to start packing again, ready to ship myself away for months. I couldn't fit it all in right and it frustrated me to no end. This day signifies the end of the comfortable ride and the beginning of many months (up to over a year) of torture and change and challenges. It's going to go by so quickly I just don't know how to really try and keep it all in check. I still have half a report to write for Wednesday, bearing in mind tomorrow I won't be home from 9-4 and Tuesday's the only day really. I always have tried to avoid this for as long as I possibly could - but in this instance it seems I have to do the last minute rush job.

Anyway, I have had an exhausting journey & I will be covered in a few bruises by morning..

This is how you could live, this is how it could be.

Today was amazing, very indescribeable; almost surreal. Started out early heading to M/cr & went around from Printworks looking at random Bridal wear stores. Didn't find much, except two gorgeous coral bridesmaid dresses (pretty simple in style, but with some embroidery) and a potential wedding dress. It's just for the registry. From BHS to M&S to House of Fraser and so many places in between, it was good to feel alive in the city again. I loved being a city girl for the day, along with one of the most fitting brides in a dress. She looked absolutely amazing in everything!! Unfair. Also, I figured I should eat Subway more instead of sandwiches from local shops seeing as it's fresher and whatnot. Quick lunch on the go, loads of stories/debates/lists/looking at tiaras and other accessories. Finally found a 21st present that I love (three golden chain and ring.) Man, it felt good.

You're always working on it.

I wish I could succumb to you, to the way you make me feel and the way you hold me up high. In your eyes I am like a goddess (you call me your Venus -- desire.) A lot of this is unhealthy, especially considering how it will all end. But you never give up hope, and it makes me wonder why i'm in such demand. I haven't got much work done, and i'm off on a wedding dress/bridesmaids dress shopping trip to town tomorrow. She was thinking coral colours, but ew I don't think I'd look good in that. Also light blue washes me out. Hopefully it won't take the whole day, or else I think this is gonna be a last minute affair of work, unfortunately. Stressful :/

(also much of today was spent shopping, gaining a new housemate and bumping into people I would have not liked to. This place sucks.)

'cause loves a drug but the the drug won't take me higher.

Nostalgia.

I had a largely reminiscent day. I don't know how, but I ended up looking on my former high school's newly formed web page. It had so many things on it, I decided to procrastinate from my work and read a lot of it. I ended up remembering teachers I'd forgotten and remembering teachers I had not! That place held the best and worst years of my life. In hindsight, they were easier days but also; they were the darker days. At least I have a little bit of hope now. Just the rest of life, and my dysfunctions have gotten harder. I like the web TV channel they've setup in the past few months, apparently last year they did Strictly Come Hulme where stars from the series took time out to train up teachers for a competition for charity. Ingenious. Plus Mr. Langdon looked old, yet he apparently won! Still has the charm, I'm guessing. A lot of the teachers are leaving/have left that were there when I was. I'm surprised they kept on Mrs. Bibby though! Oh yeah, Mr. Bibby died last November :|

Everything felt better then. Mark thinks i'm asexual, but I like the idea of sex and I am a sexual being. I just don't like intimacy and getting close to others. I'm surprised I revealed so much to him... Scary stuff. Well, other than said things I did quite a bit of work (yet not at all enough.) Intro, results and discussion left to do. With shopping from tomorrow, I'm hoping I can get most done. It's not all bad though, found out I provisionally have Tuesday's and Friday's off!

Take back the city for yourself tonight.

Alright, well I feel today has made a slightly better impact on me on the whole. I got quite a bit done today, despite breaking the smoke alarm in a pancake disaster this morning. I feel i'm well on my way in understanding my work and despite only a week until the deadline I feel confident that I can do it, if only I can focus all of my attention. At the weekend I'm going wedding/bridesmaid dress shopping and looking into a trial for my hair on the day. I wish I could spread happiness to those around me. And not lead people on. I wish I could feel how I want to, and not be trapped on the outside so close to it all. It's like a viewing of torture when it's that close. I want to be prepared, more ready for what's to come.

When will life become easier?

Consistently stuck.

I wonder if you'll read any of this. I'm wondering whether you want to know, whether you've even recieved the message. It's scary how the door to the past is not quite tightly shut, the wind often blows it open giving that space to go backwards and forwards between the two times. I'm hoping you'll respond. And, if you truly know of one of my darkest secrets it would explain her behaviour in the past few days, but why not confront me? Tell me you know. I've always longed to hear what someone truly thinks of me.

You can't be too careful anymore; when all that is waiting for you won't come any closer, you've got to reach out a little more.

You have to learn to let go.

Today I have been down. I miss him. It's all just getting to me. I was doing slightly better in some of those moments, but I'm breaking again. It was a powerful force, he was strong and its impact will always be felt. I just don't see why I can't forget, you know, not completely of course but just until it was like a hazy memory.

I don't think anything can honestly help me, I've just got to face facts and ride it out. I wish I hadn't pushed him away..I'm all alone again. I don't know, it's all neverending cycles. I don't even care anymore, I just need to change my name, my appearance, location. Everything, so no one will know me and I can blend in anywhere, living vicariously through others' laughter and sadness. Like a ghost.

Positives? I am now used to the idea (mainly) that I am getting fat.

You're not good for me but baby I want you, I want you.

You set me off, it's like a bright and warm fire engulfing my body from downwards up. All of the possibilites, oh the things you make me think of.

The thing is, I want that care and a little affection from you. If there's that, then sorting out my own self-loathing issues are the only thing left. But right now the focus is still on you. I feel weird saying anything, and I know it's not my place to say. But you've been in my life for almost half of it now and I wish it could be better. I'd like it to happen but I know in my heart I'm not ready for it with you yet, you're not ready for that yet. Even though you're probably the closest to me getting it. I am ready for it, though. I basically can't explain anything.

SHIT. I just remembered I need to take my iron. No wonder i've been feeling extra tired today. What have I accomplished all day? Nothing except thinking thoughts over and over about it, about everything or anything to do with it. Plus, a couple of sentences or so on my assignment.

If you were a better bad boy, maybe there's hope?

Some days all I do is watch the sky.

The beautiful sunset, the clear and superfluous starry night. A film, the girl. I can relate. It'll all get hazy soon. I wanna be loved like she loved him, that passion, conviction, loving sex. I want to be known and understood and liked, for all my flaws and all of my past.

Please, come back.

Driving in cars with boys.

Today was good, I did mostly everything I wanted to do - my periods stopped one activity. But on the whole it was a win. I've been obsessed with Lana Del Rey lately - cannot stop listening to some of her songs!

I am on shaky ground, wanting to let someone new in, wanting to have that closeness and connection on a deeper level than just cheeky flirtation. It's hard because I know I get attached, and I know everything that comes with that. Saying that though, I am going to take some chances soon. I have got to do one assignment in a week, sort out my CV and apply/cold call to places. It has to be done.

Supposed to be freezing for the next few days - I cannot wait for the warmth of the sun.

You can be the boss.

Accomplishment.

I completed all the assignments that have to be in for tomorrow, but it still feels neverending as I have the next one to complete for a week or so's time. I need to feel motivated enough to start unpacking, half of my life is packing and unpacking so it doesn't arouse my enthusiasm. Most of the time I'm tired (I was awake at 6am and 9am) and I feel like doing nothing. An escape has been on my mind of late. The place, season and weather vary in my mind, but the idea stays constant. My latest idea is to go to a deserted island and lay on the beach in the scorching sun, swim in the piercing turquoise sea and generally relax. I need a relaxing holiday.

Also, I feel a craving for chocolate cake. It's odd as I do not normally have a thing for it. I'd eat it on ocassion but hmm. I used to starve myself happy and now I'm eating myself happy?

Onto the next...

So, the exam went alright I believe. I managed to include all 17 references and points and also, I think I used almost every page (except the back) in the answer booklet they gave. An hour and a half went by so fast. It felt good to write (:

I'm still not unpacked, I've been lazy mostly. Got some snacks, some TV on demand and here I am. I've done quite a bit of my referencing, all but one in fact. I can't find the bloody source! But other than that, I just need to go over both assignments before I print them out and hand them in. And then it shall be the beginning of 241PY.

I should really start packing tomorrow (if I even start unpacking) and I can't remember what else I wanted to get done. Maybe get some food in and meet up with a few in Costa. I shall be needing a lie-in anycase.

this is now, and you shall prepare.

Basically, a lot of studying and stress.

Stress is all you know.

I can't believe it's only a day and a little away. I hate essay type exams. And January exams!
I got up at 8:45am for once, and boy was it a shock to my system. I've been feeling the effects of the shock of yesterday, and the stress has happened to set off a multitude of side effects such as feeling unwell (getting a cold) and also feeling constantly tired. I haven't been able to concentrate on much revision, and instead I watched some Big Bang Theory and The Simpsons. I've been stuffing my face with small bits of junk in the hopes I might feel better to get into the right mindframe. But it's not working. I'm telling you, after the exam & referencing of my coursework - I think I will be truly relieved. Thursday and Friday still holds challenges of the next piece of coursework, but still, I'll have a whole week's break to recover and rest.

I'm hoping the immediate future will be better and I will pull through and pass this exam after a good few nights of sleep.

Frozen on the inside.

So many things can go wrong in the space of seconds.

Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag, and bury them beneath the sea.

I have accomplished all of my work that needs to be in next week, yet I still have tons of revising to do for next Wednesday. I feel better though, other than pedantic referencing left. But now I can focus on my report due in at the end of the month after my exam. A lot of packing still to start, and i've had three-quarters of a pizza today. My hair smells lovely and I am exhausted.

I think I shall relax for a while :)

I’m holding a half-hearted smile to your face.

Packing, leaving once again.

It's so annoying how I get so comfortable here, and then I am pulled back into reality - the scary, lonely, shitty reality. I just don't want to go, it's weird but it's a symbolic sign. It's like I don't want to lose the comfort of how it is here, the good and the bad. I can't move forwards and I need to. It's sad. I'm hoping, being intelligent and hopeful that I can get out of this mindset though.

I feel sort of accomplished. I got one of my courseworks done today, completely finished with references and all. But then I've got 1000 words left on another essay and also major, m a j o r revision for an exam next Wednesday. Got to remember to e-mail the tutor about referencing in the exam, and penalties for mixing up references.

(if i was..)

• If I was a month, I’d be July.
• If I was a day of the week, I’d be Saturday.
• If I was a time of day, I’d be Midafternoon.
• If I was an animal of the sea, I’d be a dolphin.
• If I was a direction, I’d be North.
• If I was a planet, I'd be Neptune.
• If I was a piece of furniture, I’d be a secret drawer.
• If I was a sin, I'd be sloth.
• If I was a current historical figure, I'd be Barack Obama.
• If I was a liquid, I’d be the sea.
• If I was a gemstone, I’d be a ruby.
• If I was a tree, I’d be an oak.
• If I was a bird, I'd be a sparrow.
• If I was a tool, I’d be a glue gun.
• If I was a flower, I'd be a peony or a red rose.
• If I was a material, I’d be soft printed cotton.
• If I was a kind of weather, I’d be a slight sun with a chance of a light rain.
• If I was a musical instrument, I’d be an acoustic guitar.
• If I was a color, I’d be sky blue.
• If I was a vegetable, I'd be sweetcorn.
• If I was a word, I'd be serenity.
• If I was an emotion, I’d be courage.
• If I was a fruit, I’d be a strawberry.
• If I was a sound, I’d be the waves coming to shore and out again.
• If I was a body part, I'd be the eyes.
• If I was a song, I'd be February Air by Lights.
• If I was an element, I’d be a mix of water, earth and fire.
• If I was an automobile, I’d be a bmw x5.
• If I was a food, I’d be pizza.
• If I was a taste, I’d be nutella.
• If I was a scent, I’d be fresh ocean breeze.
• If I was a place, I’d be Canada in the summer.
• If I was a mammal, I'd be a dolphin.
• If I was a phase of the moon, I'd be waxing gibbous.
• If I was berry, I'd be sweet and sour.
• If I was a book, I'd be American Gods by Neil Gaiman.

Loud sirens and burning.

Sometimes I wish you would stop falling;
falling, falling,
fallen down that rabbit hole, Alice.

I feel quite incapable of living some days, it's like the world is against my ability as a human being. Last night I tried to appeal to his human self, but I have heard no word and still, will probably not. I think they may have been on the money that he is not a human being. The devil in disguise, a monster beneath the calm, fleshy exterior. His sins are gluttony, greed, part sloth and lust. I bet his eyes turn red in the frosty darkness and he lets out an evil laugh on the sly. That is the devil, says I.

Walls, built. A castle surrounded by forts and moats and tall, wooden chained gates. No one can break into this living hell. The devil has me trapped between walls, dark and dingey. I claw at the paved stone, it's jagged faces booming to me that I cannot escape. I fight against it, with all I have and yet it weakens the breath from my bones and I cannot fight anymore.

There's a glimpse of light, and all will be well someday I know. The light at the fortress burns brightly for me, waiting.

You have no choice but to fight off your demons.

Another whole day of procrastination, and I've still got three quarters of my essay to finish + an exam to revise and prepare my sources for in less than a week! I dunno, life is hard when i'm feeling shitty. Today I got lectured on moving forwards and putting myself into it, whatever it may be. It's nice to know they care, but it's a huge weight on me. They have so many expectations; ones that I actually could live up to, but I don't know what the block really is. I'm going to try, make an effort and & hopefully things will fall into place. Lectures and stuffs don't start up till the 23rd and then i've only got 8 weeks before Spring break. Pressure is on, but I am capable and divine. I will do this, I can & I have to. This is my only year of hope, of a true chance to make it big with whatever I wish, someday. Plans and wishes need to be sorted.

And getting out of the country for a break too, I hope. Really needing it.

You're trying too hard, you're coming on too strong.

Today I wavered.

It's a build up of missing him, realising he was good for me and that I was the one that was turning it bad (when things were alright.) Too much tiredness and time wasting hasn't helped the feeling either, and of course, being shunned aside by my mother yet again. It's been a setback but as long as I recover, I'll be alright. It's nice when things finally start to work out for people, and i'm hoping i'm getting close to the right track.

Dance floor makeout.

I am currently obsessed with Blip Blip Bleep again. (is it Blip Blip Bleep. ?)

The things they say are too kind, and i'm falling again; i'm falling behind. Again, I am at that place where I feel I don't deserve it. But, I have to say that the message has been pretty consistent over the years. I've got to listen to it. I am beautiful, I am intelligent. I am one of kind - a chance in a billion. One in a million, even. I am wonderful and brave, strong and kind. Passion flows through me like a river of blood. Most of all, beyond it all - I care.

Focus on the positives, forget about the negatives girl. They want you, they like you and it's about time you started liking yourself. Self-loathing never gets you anywhere. It may be less dangerous, but you are not as fragile as you may think. So go for it, go ahead. Or else, pretty soon you will be dead. Dead and alone. And you don't want that, love.

I see you, you're staring at the stars.

I see you, you're mending your own heart.

So last night was a quiet one; watching Ratatouille and having chicken fajitas. As usual, people cancelled their plans with us. I'm hoping that's one thing that's left behind in 2011. But it's good, except for not revising and getting on with work. I am positive and even though it has been a grey, cold day, I have found my decent conversations and lovely music to get me through. Definitely something to try; I want to write a positive thing every day, if possible.

I was sorting through my Christmas presents and moving back into my own room, and I am appreciative most of the itunes and Next vouchers. I also like quite a lot of my jewelrey and books/dvd's.