You know you only do this to punish yourself.

I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore. Once one day starts, I can't wait for it to finish; I hound myself into keeping awake until I can't take it any longer, then I get a few hours of sleep and carry out my day until about mid afternoon when I just wish time would regurgitate itself and I want all of those mindless hours on autopilot back. The unlikeliness is, is that I feel no guilt or anything at the moment. It's like I have gone back to not feeling; which is a very dangerous place to be in. I need to care, I need someone to care for me. Looking at the Sasha storyline, I'm glad I still haven't given in to you; because I don't trust you, because you're not right for me, because I'm too messed up for you, and because once I get into you I won't be able to control it at all. I know you don't care so much, or feel anything other than lust. Sometimes I think i'm your protogé, other times I just think I'm no one to you. I don't understand this at all.

Lately I am rubbish at replying/sending anything to anyone. I currently have three messages and two emails to send. Plus a truckload of work, which means that this weekend must be productive or else I am properly screwed. Also, today; I lost Mark for definite. Ohwells, life goes on I guess.

"But, I'm so mean."

"Mean is okay."