Losing it.

It's fast approaching the dreaded holiday that I wish never happened, ever. It sounds like THEBITCH is coming one day/night earlier than the rest of them which leaves a bitter, anxious feeling inside me swirling all over my insides. God knows why we're even having Christmas here again this year, it's stressing everyone out in the house. Lately I have been listening to a lot of music, some nostalgic, a lot new & it really brightens my day to be honest.
It was a clear night last night. I could see stars and constellations, spent ages trying to take decent pictures and changing the ISO level, but in the end only got a handful of good ones. Then this morning I awoke to the harsh low winter sun, and about several inches of snow and I was like ugh, don't wanna get out of bed and the sound of my parent's arguing. It's like I never left. I just wish I had one person in my life that didn't abandon, neglect or change their minds. I want somebody. Why do I always have to be in it alone? Largely, most people have families or friends or drink or sex etc. I just have stalkers but I want something constant and stable, preferably love. I guess I just can't be loved.
Every night I stay awake until two or three (sometimes four) with all this shit killing me inside, every single day I wake up wishing I hadn't, I try to push all this down; physically in my mind I tell myself to push it all further, deeper from my mind but i'm finding it can't go away, that it won't go down. Maybe there's too much of it to just hide away. It's stuck in my chest, my guts, my bones. Everything aches, and all of the time I find myself wanting to cry. And I cry every time I'm alone. The tears are endless streams, I could go on forever crying a river. It's never been that much of a flow before. I'm really worried for myself.

There's a degree of difficulty in dealing with me.

I wish my moods wouldn't rise and fall so quickly; my world turns from pleasant to black in the matter of seconds. Like Jenny Lewis sings, The lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap. And all I can see is darkness. An infinite, starless night. And I wish to god I could tell him, I do, but I.. I can think of a hundred reasons not to. "He's busy" or "he'll get worried" or "I'd be bothering him". He seems to accept me, flaws and all, but there's only so much he can know. I flip so easily. I turn on myself; self destruct. I fall. And everything hurts, and there's nothing anyone can do to make it better. I fall, and then I dig myself deeper and deeper, and I feel like maybe one of these days I'll fall out of a hole at the opposite corner of the world. And there's nothing I can do about it.


I guess it's time to try and be productive again, or procrastinate some more..