Come on, I know myself by now.

"I did not like to be touched, but it was a strange dislike. Even now, when people lean down to touch me, or hug me, to put a hand on my shoulder, I hold my breath. I turn my face. I want to cry."

— Marya Hornbacher

I am alive. For better or for worse. I woke up in a feverish state several times last night. There's a storm raging outside and all I want to do is cry. I binged and I wanted to purge but I didn't and I feel so fucking fat. I've stayed in my room, in bed, avoiding everyone and anything. I just want to sleep. It's all too much. The littlest things set me off. Everything's too loud, there are too many people around, it's too bright. Both mother and brother tried to hug me, and my mask slipped, and I snapped. It evoked so much rage that it scared even me. I hate being touched. And I shy away, but really, all I want is to be held; I long for an embrace to fold myself into. Someone to disappear into. I just want to be not me for a while. I want someone to care. I need you to notice, but you probably forgot to remember me. (Did you?) And yet I hate this; being so vulnerable, so needy, so dependent. (I just want to hear your voice. Where are you?)

How do you continue living when you hate the very bones of yourself, the simple fact that you exist, in this world, today?

"'Cause I don't trust that there won't be another string of manic freak-outs if I stick around. Come on, I know myself by now. It's not an easy realization to come to. I'm not the best thing for you. I'm not the best thing for you."

"I’ve cried, and you’d think I’d be better for it, but the sadness just sleeps, and it stays in my spine for the rest of my life."

I barely know what to do with myself; I feel infinitely sad yet strangely alright. It's only when I think of you that I become more and more, like turning up the volume until the silence is too deafening, and I drown in myself and my thoughts and the demons. Where are you? Did you forget me? I miss you. Do you care?

I can't wait to forget you. I'll never forget you. I am easily forgettable.